Sooo exhausted....

When I was diagnosed with celiac disease, I had all these hopes with the diagnosis.

There was this answer to all of the strange health issues I seem to have. The fact that I felt old all the time. Or that I could not ever get over being exhausted. Or the fact that I space out quite easily. Things that should not otherwise be happening to a normal and healthy 30 (now 31) year old. I was downright hopeful. It would be hard, sure, but it was an answer.

But I'm feeling like crap. All the damn time. And it's beginning to make me angry. I mean, wasn't giving up gluten supposed to make me not feel gross? Why hasn't my neverending joint pain gone away? Why am I still not feeling all that great?

After talking about this the other day, a very kind friend tried to give me an easy out saying that I have had a crappy time the past few months and it's probably just wearing on me. But that doesn't feel right. Maybe it's just allergies. Maybe I am just nursing my grief and depression in a very physical form. Maybe I will "snap out of it" when that magical year comes to an end. But why does it feel an awful lot like it felt before I was diagnosed with celiac disease?

When I was told celiac, I was relieved. In my life, medical problems didn't have "easy" answers. And celiac had such a simple answer. It would be hard to live gluten free, but it also had a solution. I want a new solution. I'm taking suggestions. Anything really? I know that the smart thing to do is to go see someone and try to figure it out. But, I also feel a little bit crazy. Like I'm just whining about general things. Nothing really specific.

Anyway, I just had another piece of an awesome gluten free lasagna my dad made last week. I was going to make it, but he was bored. It was pretty darn tasty. And would have been tastier had I actually heated it up properly.

and so it is

I'm in a tizzy. I get easily frustrated and feel the need for massive change to happen somewhere in my life.

As is often the case in these moments, I chopped off my hair. I'm a good five to six inches lighter and love it. It still has the feel of longer hair, but none of the annoying and irksome weight.

But that was last week. What can I change this week?

I'm trying to convince myself that I am a morning person and I am hoping to get up everyday at 6:15 to go for a run (or walk, depnding). I'm even hoping to gradually work in the occassional writing session. That is one change.

I need to re-arrange all the furniture in my house this weekend. My dad has changed his mind about his sleeping arrangements and I've figured out how to make it all happen. So that's this weekend's change. I'll be sleeping in a new bedroom.

There are a couple other areas I need to work on changing. Such as work. And my outlook.

I've been really negative lately. I'm hoping the morning routine might help there. I'm hoping that by starting off positive, I can carry that threw my day. I really want to run again. There's something so satisfying about your feet pounding on pavement to work out aggression and all those otehr emotions. And the physical benefits are awesome as well.

That's kind of where I am right now. I'm not loving where I'm at. But it's not the worst place.

Fortunately there's chocolate to make it all just a little bit better.

The only way to end a crappy day ...

No not a nice long run. Or a bottle of wine. Or a nice comforting bath. Or a favorite meal.

But by going to see To Kill A Mockingbird and running into Team Paul.

First things first - today sucked. I had my annual gyn appointment. I am not a good patient. I get nervous easily. And tense up. These are things that do not make a gyn appointment go smoothly. So it was horrible. I will spare the details But I hated it. And it sort of soured the day.

Secondly, work is in a weird phase. It's something I don't really want to get into too much here because I can't. But I'm starting to worry about the future. My future. Which is making me do A LOT of thinking. About my future. About what I'm doing. About what I want to do. About why it is I am doing what I am doing. And that's not fun.

Thirdly, To Kill A Mockingbird was awesome. Matthew Modine was incredible as Atticus and I remembered how much I absolutely loved that book as a kid and as a teen. I read it every few years. I'd love to say that because of that book I became a lawyer. It's not. But it did inspire me to work on my own writing as a kid. And I was obsessed with Jem and Scout. I thought Jem was a super awesome big brother. And my guitar is named Scout.

And Lastly, sitting two rows down and about three seats to the left was Team Paul and his partner. I spent the show hiding my face behind my program. Jess was completely entertained. But, I was terrified of what I might say or do. In my chick flick version of life I would run into him or spill a drink on myself or spill a drink on him or hit on his partner or say something really embarrassing out loud. In real life, I waited until after the show and walked out to the aisle and smiled. Said hello. Met his partner. Introduced Jess. And walked out. Oh and also in real life he is behind me in the parking garage where Jess and I laughed out loud about the coincidence of meeting into him there. And I jumped up and down about something.

Yeah. Somehow despite the mortification this was the best way to end this horrible day.

i am awesome at the texting

I have been horrible at keeping this site updated. I had all these lofty ambitions when I transitioned to this site - but clearly they have not been fulfilled.

In my defense, I was insane at work. To the point where I would come home and just collapse on my couch to allow my brain time to melt. Then my home was invaded. And then I went away. And then I came back and my home was still invaded. And now I'm just tired and trying to smartly combat a sinus infection by not staying up too late. Clearly that is not working since it's 11:30 and I'm writing this here blog.

But I felt the need to explain my absence. To all of you. The one or two readers of this journal.

Highlights of my recent life include being part of a successful conversational exchange with Team Paul and realizing that I text way too much. I foolishly did not sign up for unlimited texting back when I got my iPhone. It was only five dollars more, but I resisted. And I paid for it. A lot. So now I have unlimited text messaging. And well, the minute details of my life will continue to be communicated via text. Examples of my texting prowess:

From last Weds night (watching US v. Trinidad and Tobago)
JP: Jozy is starting!!!!!!!
me: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
JP: Boca hot.
me: On my way home to ogle my future bf.
JP: My man back in goal
me: mmmmmm
me: So you know I won't be able to watch Lost tonight?
JP: Oh no :(
me: Yep. How soon is it up online?
me: Clint cut his hair.
JP. After west coast airing at least. I don't know if it waits for Alaska and Aawaii.
JP: I texted that update to you last week about clint :)
me: My niece says Tim Howard is very angry. Pretty Boca. Maybe I'll watch before going to bed.
me: Can we key Alexi's car?
JP: I'll see what we can do
me: Awesome. Boca hot!
JP: That US soccer commercial is catchy. Tell ur niece that Timmy is the hotness.
me: She says he's an angry dude.
JP: Sometimes angry dudes are hot. We should be us soccer groupies.
me: Ok.
JP: I just somehow switched to fsc which had North Korea-South Korea opening the second half. blew. my. mind.
me: Boca...
me: Explain to me my infatuation with Dempsey.
JP: the rap song.
me: Don't tread on me. Also for a moment I had Donovan awe.
JP: Landy is a good passer.
me: he needs to not be used as a striker.
JP: Right. his cross to Jozy was great. Problem is outside of Jozy no good strikers. Ching not good. I think Landy is in mid tonight.
me: They really want Ching to be the heir to McBride. But he's not there. Where's Adu?
JP: not sure.
me: Curious
JP: Looooooooove Jozy.
me: Yes. I hope he moves to a good team where he can get regular playing time. This is a good Lando game.
JP: I'd like to go to a World Cup qualifier.
me: It's a fun time.
me: Dempsey is not having a good game.
JP: JP Dellacamera's fav line is "Running like the game just started." It's one of my top quotes on Facebook he used so much during women's World Cup.
me: Torres is tiny!
JP: Donovan! Jozy!
me: Bradley!!!!!!!!!!
JP: Not sure he was onside :) but Bradley! Voldemort must be so proud.
me: Shhhhh. I'm also a big Sasha fan.
JP: I don't know who Sasha is....
me: He came on for Clint. Boca... Why are they not trading shirts????
JP: They are being cruel.

From Sunday Morning (while watching Tomb Raider)
me: In case I don't say it enough Daniel Craig=hot
Jess: Good to know. Hows the movie?
me: Meh.
Jess: That was my fear and thus why it remains low on my list.
me: I need to go to the mall at some point. But instead I've been untangling yarn.
Jess: Well, the yarn won't untangle itself.


From Monday morning (while working mind you)
me: Door is shut. I'm in a windowless box.
Jess: But sometimes that is necessary. Just don't light a candle.
me: No candles anywhere.
Jess: I feel like there should be a Rent reference here somewhere.
me: I know the feeling. Would you please NOT light my candle?
Jess: That was my last match??
me: What you do to my candle?
Jess: Thank God for the moon.
me: I think Spike Lee's filming down the street.
Jess: Cold hands.
me: Wanna dance
Jess: With me??
me: No with my father.
Jess: I'm Roger.
me: They call me mimi.
Jess: And then she steals the stash from his pocket.
me: And scene!


Why I ever thought I wouldn't need unlimited texting is beyond me?

Traveling!!!

Travelling makes me happy. Even if it's only a long weekend in a new city.

Old words

This is something I wrote a while back.  About a week before my mom died, in fact.  I always toyed with putting it out somewhere.  I never knew where or why, but I think it's a good fit here.  It is in fact, all about the crazy random happenstances that roll around in my brain.  Which, honestly sometimes scare the crap out of me. But more than the crazy randomness of my thinking, it's also frighteningly accurate to how I feel right now. My brain is still rolling around with a lot of these thoughts. I could update it now, but I don't want to distort the words. This was my life then. My life now might follow in a couple days.  

But this goes back to early October 2008.  I had just fallen deeper for Team Paul.  I had begun the obsession with gluten free baking.  And I was beginning to become frighteningly aware of how crazy my thought processes could be.  A friend read this back then and called it somewhat prophetic. I don't like such words. I don't know if I quite believe in the idea of "prophetic." It's too mystical for me. I think it's predictable. I also sort of think that when I write without paying attention to form or matter, I tend to write pretty damn good. It's when I overthink the words that I kill it. And no one wants to read dead words. (Um, pun is totally intended.)

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I hugged my childhood crush this week. We even shared a quick kiss. It happened at his father’s wake. And it was probably inappropriate to get a thrill over this at that time, but I did.

I’ve had a crush on Anthony since I was ten. Or since I was old enough to realize what crushes were. He never really saw me as more than just that lil’ girl across the street that obnoxiously jumped in the pile of leaves he just spent all morning raking. I’m assuming that of course. I never actually asked him what he thought of me as a ten year old.

He is the same as my brothers. I am sure I was nothing more than an annoying little sister like person to him. He too has a story about being my babysitter once. I remember looking for pictures of Anthony in my brother’s high school yearbook and not my brother. I was sad when he moved away for college. I was jealous that he married.

I had my first real conversation with him on August 23, 1992. Earlier that Sunday morning, my mother had collapsed while making coffee and was rushed to the hospital. I had been driven home from the hospital and Anthony was in his drive way. He walked over to ask me what happened.

I remember, even then, being amazed at how calm I was. I didn’t giggle. I didn’t find myself twirling my hair. I didn’t step from foot to foot. And I definitely did not stammer. I clearly told him my mother was in a coma and no one knew what was wrong. He said, “Wow.” I remember writing about that day in my diary that night and that I included that conversation. It marked in many ways a loss of innocence and a loss of childhood. Carrying on an adult conversation with an adult male that I had a crush on was a big moment for my fourteen year old brain. But this is just my overly analytical brain overly thinking getting carried away looking back at the one moment in my life.

This week, standing in that funeral home saying goodbye to his father I thought about my past feelings. The feelings stayed in the fore of my thoughts as I approached the family line and offered my condolences. As I stood across from Anthony, we hugged. The hug lingered a bit. But maybe that was all in my head.

My father frustratingly moved away from the line much too quick and called me over to introduce me to an old friend. Anthony said goodbye. And I walked away upset at not sharing a longer conversation with this man who grew more attractive every year and looked amazing in a suit. But, again, not an appropriate place or time for these thoughts. Especially as his wife and child came to stand by him.

I sat in my chair on the other side of the room pondering my life. This entire week had been a fascinating study in how my brain functions. I’d spent the week ogling the new boss of my boss. And by ogling, I mean, complete and utter adoration of the man as a public speaker that I could not stop referring to as my candidate for hope and change.

If you can’t control thinking about that childhood crush at inappropriate times, you can’t really control developing a crush on a super suave political operative that happens to fall on the other side of the political spectrum? After hearing him speak a week ago, I have wanted to make up Team Paul t-shirts and wear one proudly. I told my boss I was ready to quit my job as an attorney and be his personal assistant. I would be sure to get his coffee order correct.

And now when I have to talk to him, I get a case of the giggles. Or the stammering. Or the hair twirling. Or the complete incoherence. I become my ten year old self talking to Anthony across the street.

I snap out of this strange circle of thought when my dad begins telling our other neighbor about his bypass. I correct him. Angioplasty. Not a bypass.

It’s almost as if he’d rather it be the more serious condition. He gets glory in talking about it. When I diminish it and say it was nothing more than an angioplasty, his face falls. I’m not quite sure what that is about. It’s almost like he wants it to be a bigger deal. It’s not like an angioplasty is not a big deal. But, bypass sounds way more important and impressive to him. Or he just can’t remember the word “angioplasty.” Whichever it is, I feel the need to correct him because I don’t want our neighbors reporting to other neighbors that my dad had a quadruple bypass and is in dire straits and might die tomorrow. When, in reality, he had an angioplasty with a stent put in to address an artery that was 90% blocked. He was in the hospital for 30 hours. And four of those were spent waiting for the nurse to complete the discharge papers.

Serious? Yes. Grave? No. But maybe grave isn’t the word to use while at a funeral.

I get choked up at funerals. It happens. I know why. I can pin point the exact reasons why I start fighting the urge to shed tears and fall apart even when I barely know the guy. The psycho analysis for this is not that difficult. The thought in my head is always “we’re next.” But I really shouldn’t dwell on that. So I won’t. But I do take notes. To prepare. Like the music. I wonder what music funeral homes allow you to pick from. Could I get some Dean Martin playing for my mom? I think on Six Feet Under the Fishers let you play whatever music you wanted. But Peter Krause would also greet me at the door.

It’s all too much sometimes. My dad wanting a bigger injury. My mom being sick all the time. Me crushing on a gay Republican who is indirectly my boss and I accidentally called a girl that one time. It’s a lot, you know. And I’m amazed my brain doesn’t explode. But we are a resilient species. Truly. It’s amazing. We’re designed to withstand so much – both physically and internally.

My dad tapped me on the shoulder and I remembered I was still at Luigi’s wake. He motions to leave and my thoughts close down temporarily as I begin my goodbyes. I play with my cellphone as I walk to my car as I chauffer this week while my dad recovers from his non-bypass procedure.

I’m sure the bizarre train of thoughts that has marked this week of emotional ups and downs and possibly hormonal rages will spark back up later this night. Perhaps I’ll plan my future as a gluten free baker extraordinaire. Perhaps Team Paul can help that dream happen. Maybe I just need to get him some of my gluten free chocolate chip hazelnut cookies. Maybe I need to focus on my rock star dreams and work on that strumming pattern I stubbornly refused to practice in my lesson this week. I think Anthony played guitar once up on a time. Maybe Team Paul plays as well. Could you imagine?

Happy Daylight Savings

I was a little stunned when I woke up this morning.  I forgot it was Sunday and then I forgot it was Daylight Savings.  When I realized what it was, I got really excited.  I had to buy a new alarm clock a few years ago and it automatically updates for Daylight Savings.  And that's awesome in my opinion.  And yes, it takes very little to impress me at times.  

Not impressive of late, is Napoli.  The soccer team.  Not the city.  I have no opinion on the city in fact as I have yet to visit.  It's on my list.   My hope is to make it there next summer.  

But back to the soccer team.  S.S.C. Napoli.  I have been a fan since I can remember.  Sure, I've had mild flirtations with other teams.  There were those days as a kid when I was obsessed with the Toto Schilacci era Juventus.  And even a few years back I developed an obsession with Fiorentina and the beautiful Luca Toni.  But Napoli has always been my team.  Why?  Well, my dad is and therefore I am.  

I won't bore the few readers of this blog with the recent  history of the team.  But I will say that it appears Napoli has decided winning is not the thing to do in 2009.  A team that was ranked a surprising 4th after the first half of the 2008/2009 season has not won a game in this new year.  And the year, not that new anymore.  They play well, sure.  But, they're not winning.  A game is on right now in the background.  And it's a few minutes from the half and they are still tied.  Ties are good.  It's better than losing due to a last minute goal by the other team on a stupid mistake.  

It angers me.  Win a game!  Just one.  Because I'm convinced that's all you need.  I really think that when you remember how wonderful it feels to win, you will be thrilled by the experience and do it more often.  One game.  It would make me so happy.  And don't you want me to be happy?  (I know guilt is a cheap tactic, but they're an Italian team.  I was brought up to think guilt was the Italian way.)

Okay, that's out of my system.  

I feel better.

As for other matters, I realize I am not as regular a writer as I once hoped I would be.  I'm in what one could refer to as a "funk" lately.  I feel the need to do something drastic in order to move myself out of it. 

Drastic for me is probably not that drastic for others.  But I've been thinking a lot about my hair.  I sort of want to go to a hair salon and say - "Change it.  Make it different.  I want to be look different."  I've been really happy with my long hair.  But, I feel a need for a change in some aspect of my life.  And hair is so easy.  I'd like a more fit body, but that can't be accomplished over the course of one sunday afternoon.  New hair can be.  And then it grows back over the course of time and it's okay.  

I woke up with that feeling today.  It's ridiculous to say that one haircut can be responsible for the unfunking, but I think it can be a step.  Or something.  I don't know.  I used to do this all the time.  Wake up and decide it was time to chop my hair off.  And do it.  I've gotten less gutsy with my hair over time, but maybe it's just the simple step I need for right now. 

I'm not overly concerned with the funk being anything major.  I've decided I'm allowed to be in a funk for the next year.  I'm entitled.  But the funk is starting to interfere with work.  I spent too many hours this week reading articles about Napoli's inability to win games this year, Will Chase's extensive theater career and blog posts about anything.  None of those things have anything to do with work.  And that's a problem.  I have no problem with the occasional wasted day, but the frequency of them this week are a problem.  I've just been tired and out of it and without any desire for anything.  

And I think a simple hair cut may make me feel lighter and different.  Add a new perspective to my day.  

But for now I need to see what my boys can do in Naples.

one of those

Last week was one of those weeks at work.  Everything that could go wrong went wrong and everything that could be insane was insane.

Sadly, due to the confidential nature of many of the case facing us, I can't write in much detail.  Even by coming up with clever nicknames like "confused daddy" or "the inept one" I still can't write much.  I like my job and in this current climate, I sort of need it.  

But, I can say that sometimes just when I think humanity is at it's lowest, I am amazed by a human's capacity to love unconditionally.  Yes, that is unnecessarily obtuse.  But after a week where I saw or read some of the worst in people.  And questioned the decisions of people, it ended on possibly the happiest note possible.  

A family completed the adoption process of four children.  They are not Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie.  They did not adopt their children from exotic lands.   This was a couple that was still putting their biological children through college.  

This was a couple like my parents.  Like most of my friend's parents.  A family that realized they had more love to give.  And could not say no to the adoption of all four children.  The kids range in age from first graders to not yet pre-schoolers.  The kids are beautiful and happy.  Most importantly, these children are loved.  

It's amazing to me that despite reading more and more about how horrible things are and the feeling that the world is slowly falling apart, this family opens up their heart and home.  There's a lesson here.  It doesn't matter how rough your life is. It doesn't matter how downright shitty it is - you can always do more to help others.  

I spend my Wednesday nights tutoring adults with Greater Hartford Literacy Volunteers.  And I bitch every Wednesday about how I don't want to go.  I want to stay home and drink wine and prepare for Lost.  I want to go out to dinner and talk about what might be happening on Lost that night.  I want to go to a Lost party and watch Lost.  (I have a wee obsession with the tv show.)   (oh and last week's episode had a moment that made me think of Rent and that was a great collision of sorts.)

But I go.  And it feels like I go out of an obligation.  Yet, I love it.  Even if we do no writing or reading and just spend our night talking about a news article discussing the first ever integrated prom at a Mississippi high school.  It's a great hour and a half.  

I guess what I'm trying to babble about here is the idea that we can always do more.  And I know I can do more.  I am not particularly good about going to Church, but one thing my very Catholic upbringing taught me is the idea that there is always someone else to help.  The idea that there is always more I can do.  

I feel more of a responsibility to live this out as I become an aunt to older children.  I think it's important to set an example.  When I talk to my now 12 year old niece about our responsibility to help people who need our help.  When I try to persuade my 10 year old nephew that he should give away one of his most prized toys.  

They are starting to get it.  They are starting to become little conscientious people and it's fantastic.  

When in doubt - procrastinate

I have work to do.  I brought home a file that I desperately need to organize before tomorrow's hearing.  It's one of those files that turned into a mess.  It's also one of those files that can force you to do a hell of a lot of thinking about whether or not you dropped the ball.  Should I have caught what was happening before it became so wildly out of control?  Should I have been more vigilant?  

Probably.  Maybe.  

I mean I can only be vigilant over things that I can actually see.  If papers are inaccurately completed before handed to me and they have been signed under penalty of false statement I should believe them. 

But I'm an over thinker - so when this one blew up the way they occasionally do, I second guessed myself.  

Tonight I am trying to organize everything.  Put everything in order - sort of.  And make sense of what is before us tomorrow.  Which is really a simple question.  But the people HATE each other.  So that's always fun.

While I organize, I decided to eat a Hoodsie cup.  I bought them last night because I knew my nieces and nephew were coming over with their parents for dinner.  Hoodsie cups - remember them?  These remind me of being a kid and eating them at school.  On field trips.  At birthday parties.  I was never a huge ice cream fan.  I liked it.  I loved going out for it (mmmmm Friendly's).  But, unless I was in an ice cream mood, I didn't love it.  I was a carb kid.  Give me chocolate chip cookies, muffins, cupcakes or fresh baked bread and I was happy.  (Nice to know now that had I just been an ice cream kid I would probably have better gastrointestinal health.  Damn gluten intolerance...  Damn  you celiac disease!)

Okay, enough procrastination.  Off to organize...

Award show mania

I have a special weakness for award shows.  I love them.  I love watching the dresses.  I love seeing the awkward red carpet conversation.  I love the speeches.  I adore the big opening numbers.  I love the awkward on stage pairings.  Or the weird choice of presenters (Zac Efron?  Robert Pattinson?)

Even though they are unbearably long and tedious and tiresome.  I still have to watch the whole thing.  Even though I am over tired this weekend from either a weird bug or the most unusual pms symptoms, I will watch the entire five million hour long Oscars.  Even though this year I have only seen one of the Best Picture nominees, I don't care.  

So, I am settling in for a long night.  I have my blanket.  My cell phone to randomly text my friends stupid things that happen.  I have my laptop close by in case I have to look up what movie that guy was in.  And I will enjoy every damn minute.  

Teeth

Things you don't want to start your day with:

1. A horribly sore throat
   
2. The inability to wake up
   
3. A call at 9:25 from your dentist wondering why you didn't show up for your appointment 
4. Being shocked since you were so certain the appointment was at 9:30
5. And realizing it is at 9:20
6. Going in for your cavity filling and hearing the words "I'm not going numb you"
7. Finally arriving into work to a stack of questions and a sore mouth

I really  just wanted to go home and curl up in bed watching Buffy reruns. 

forget regret

I'm a tad addicted to Rent. More than a tad. Way addicted. Anyone reading this blog probably knows that. (Hi Jess!) I first was drawn to it when I read La Boheme for the first time. I fell for the tragic love of Mimi and Rodolfo. It was perfect. I have never been a fan of the music in opera, but I love the stories. And when I first read La Boheme I was in my early 20s and the tragic love was just the kind of stuff I fell for.

When I realized Rent was a modernized take on La Boheme, I needed to see it. I loved the music. I loved the story. I would go in and out of obsessively listening to the soundtrack. And I finally saw it at the Nederlander last summer a few weeks before it closed. I was stuck sitting behind a man with the largest head ever. That wasn't fun. But, it was still awesome.

And since seeing it on that stage Rent has been on a constant rotation on my iPod. Lately, it's taken on a greater prominence for me. I couldn't quite grasp why until I sat and listened to the lyrics while at work today. And there's something about

forget regret or life is yours to miss

that strikes a chord right now. I spend a lot of my time dwelling on the whats and the whys of things that have happened. Wishing I had acted differently or done more or done less. And it takes up a lot of energy.

Since my mother passed away last October, a lot of emotions have bubbled up. Especially recently. These emotions run all over the place. I have spent a lot of time thinking about what I could have done differently. Said differently. If I could have done something more to prolong her life. And I have to keep telling myself there's no way to know these things. I just have to have faith that the right decisions were made and we all did the most we could for her. And when it was her time, she died with her dignity and surrounded by her family.

And when I say I have to remind myself of this. I mean that I have to actually say that out loud because the regrets and guilt and emotions are sometimes so loud in my head that I can't hear any other thoughts unless I shout them at myself.

Rent reminds me to stop dwelling on all the "coulda woulda shouldas."

I think that's why I love it so much. I'm clearly not all better. I have a lot of sadness to overcome. And I will. At least I know that at some point, my first emotion won't be sad. The idea that I need to just take each moment as it comes. Live in it and treasure it. Even if that moment is one that's sad, I need to acknowledge it and experience it. There's nothing worse than numbing those experiences. Or hiding from them.

Of course there are other reasons to love Rent. The music is pretty frakking awesome. It's great to sing along to in the car. I love Roger's pants. And Will Chase as Roger. "One Song Glory" is probably one of my favorite songs ever. Candles feature prominently. The set is fun to look at. You can "moo" while watching it. It makes reference to Cafe Bustelo. Maureen wears a vinyl catsuit. And it's all about an "honest living."

And I know all the words. And will sing along while watching it on dvd. And I am pretty sure that if I ever saw Will Chase in person I would be upset that he is not wearing plaid pants.

I am an idiot

Last night I let my memory of delicious soup cloud my close inspection of ingredients. And have been wondering all day why my head started pounding out of no where and why my stomach has seen better days. (I'll spare you all graphic details.) But needless to say - the green chili and corn bisque at Au Bon Pain is not gluten free. I love that soup. It's ridiculously tasty. And instead of thinking - hey, don't people usually use flower in bisques? I thought, - yummm, what could go wrong with a corn based soup? Well, the answer to that is the past 24 hours.

If anything, this confirms that yes, boys and girls, I do have celiac disease. You know, in case I did not believe the blood test results, endoscopy results, and every other medical assessment. It amazes me how quickly I can feel the discomfort of eating something wrong. Usually however I just feel gross and bloated and my joints hurt. This time around, my stomach recoiled.

So, you know, maybe the illness is evolving. Or maybe I've been so careful for so long that last night's stupidity led to more profound symptoms.

Who the hell knows? All I know is that my favorite soup at Au Bon Pain is strictly off limits. Which, really is not the big a deal. I don't really go there that often. Last night was a fluke. I had a shopping excursion with two middle schooled age girls and we needed quick eats before going home. I should have copied my niece and had a smoothie.

Testing...

I just downloaded a new app for my iPhone that allows me to post blogs from my phone.

This is quite exciting.

You know, for those occassions where I'm too lazy to walk over to my computer.

i have a crush

on a gay man.

At least I think it's a crush.

It might just be a mild infatuation. Or a random desire. Or a fascination with the man having less to do with anything desirous or lustful.

I mean, I don't want to kiss him (I'd probably giggle really loud if that ever happened) and I don't want to see him naked. Hell, I don't even want to see him shirtless. Although after spending the better part of yesterday morning thinking about it, he'd probably look damn good shirtless. I think he might be a runner. He looks fit.

But I am enamored.

It's sort of the way I fell for Obama. Something about being present for a great speech while the speaker is wearing a well cut suit and has good hair. It just works. I mean, there's a lot more to my Obama love (his politics for one. My happiness at the end of the Bush era for another.) And there's a lot more to my Team Paul (that's my nickname for him) fascination.

He is on the different side of my political fence. But when he speaks I feel like he gets it. He knows what needs to be done. He's practical, but I think unafraid of making unpopular decisions during a difficult time. He seems to be a good person in a crisis.

And that is something I admire. Because, me, no, I do awful in crisis. I crumble. I cry. I shake. I talk fast (pyschologists refer to it as pressured speech when it happens in a manic phase.) I sort of lose my cool. And when you don't have a lot of "cool" to begin with, it's basically a disaster.

So, when I am confronted with someone who seems like he or she can handle that crisis, I attach. And sometimes they become that friend in a clutch. And sometimes I just admire from afar while perfecting the art of making a fool of myself everytime I speak to the person.

Team Paul and I - we're in the latter category. There was the "aw fuck!" incident of 2004 (I think it was 2004). And then there was the time I called him a girl. And the time he caught me napping. And that time I was completely unable to answer that oh so loaded question of "how are you?"

I wish I could be more in control of my idiocy when I was around him. I wish I could have a conversation and not find myself wanting to fall back to my safe role of loveable fool. I'm actually pretty smart. And I have good ideas. And I should share them. But instead of being that person, I become the person who talks in pressured speech and makes snarky comments at inappropriate times.

I like to think that in a parallel universe, I'm much more in control of this idiocy and Team Paul and I are great friends. In fact, perhaps he hires me to work for him. It's a comforting thought. That there's a version of me out there that knows how to be cool on occasion.

The most random and crazy of happenstances

So, I named the blog "Crazy Random Happenstance" for the simple reason that I'm a nerd. And I loved Dr. Horrible's Sing A-Long Blog (and now watch it on my iPod while running at the gym.) And I needed a name and poof! it just appeared out of nowhere.

And then as things sometimes happen in life, you realize the truth behind certain cliched phrases. Like that one time my sophomore year of college when my neighbor was looking at a bumper sticker on someone's back pack and she said "Mean people really do suck." I mean, duh. But it's like so totally true. And so the same with crazy random happenstances. Something that maybe didn't pop into my everyday vocabulary until just this past July, but I am realizing more and more that there are a lot of these little random happenstances in life. In fact, one might even say that life is just one big crazy random happenstance.

Okay, so there's my quick philosophy theory for this Friday evening.

This week's Crazy Random Happenstance of choice - my family. Or to be more specific, my mother's family. A few years back when my aunt died, I started to realize how much about my parent's I didn't know. I could get a lot of knowledge about my dad through his nieces and his sisters. But my mom was a different story. She came to the U.S when she was 20 with her mother and her brother. My mom's memory has been pretty fuzzy since she had her initial cardiac event when I was 14 and lost her short term memory. My grandmother passed away when I was still in college. And over the years, family tensions and stubborn minds have prevailed keeping us pretty distant from the rest of her family aside from a niece and nephew. The family tensions and stubborn minds are on all sides. And have trickled down through generations. And now even I am stuck unable to really talk to my uncle or try to re-connect with my cousins.

Since my mom died in October, I've had this really desperate need to know more about her. I want to know who she was before she became my mom. Before she moved here. What were her dreams and her hopes. Stuff I never had the chance to really talk about. How many people have those heart to hearts with their mom when they are 13 and younger? I know I didn't. But I think we would have been close when I was older. We were close. But it was different. Our relationship was very much flip flopped. And as such, there was a lot I never got to as. Or if I did ask I was never sure what was true.

This desperate need has translated to a few near phone calls to my uncle. A few attempts to pry stories out of my dad (who only take on story teller roles after he's had a few glasses of wine.) A few random conversations with cousins who knew my mom from the minute she married into my dad's family. But those conversations were all pretty superficial. And I can't yet bring myself to call my uncle. What would I say? How do you overcome a family's lifetime of anger with a simple phone call? And is it even up to me to do it? That I still need to mull over. I'm still reeling from the fact that my mother is dead. How can I move forward on that front?

And where is the crazy random happenstance in all of this?

This week I received an email from my mom's cousin in Italy. A person I did not even know existed. A person who was looking for me because he is trying to finish a family tree. It's like someone just threw me a little gift. Out of nowhere. And now I need to act on it.

There's trepidation for sure. How did this person even know I exist? Why now? Why me? Why not my brother who visited my mother's hometown?

But not to act on it would be wrong. And contrary to everything I keep saying I want. I want to know who my mom was - so who best than someone who apparently played with her as a child. Maybe I can finally find a way to name all the people in my mother's old photos.

And that is where my random life keeps heading.



And my gluten free food recommendation for the week - Trader Joe's Gluten Free Ginger Snaps. Spicy + Sweet = AWESOME

monday night tv

I watch a lot of tv. Wait too much. More than is probably healthy. I think once I got the DVR hookup, I started watching even more television. Because, you know, I could record sooooo much.

The next few months are proving to be a little bit stressful. As so happens (quite randomly, or not...) Monday nights are going to be furiously insane tv viewing nights. There's How I Met Your Mother and Heroes (which I still begrudgingly watch - I have faith, you know?), and now 24 has come back. But more importantly than all that I am in love with Chuck.

Why Chuck, you ask?

Well, I've decided that instead of writing about the possibly stalker esque owner of my gym (a place which reminds me of Average Joe's in the movie Dodgeball) or the local opinion columnist doing all that is in his power to convince people my place of employment should not exist or the fact that my co-worker "Accidentally" wore her mom's pants to work yesterday - I will write for you TEN REASONS WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH CHUCK.

1. It's created by Joshua Schwartz. Who's he? Well he created The OC. And Gossip Girl (which I have yet to watch - it's in my Netflix queue). Say what you will about The OC, but that first season was fab. It was wonderful. I was such a sucker for Ryan's brooding and Seth's adorableness. Marissa didn't piss me off yet. And hello, Summer Roberts was totally awesome!

2. It's about a regular guy becoming a spy. And who doesn't love that idea? I used to love playing spy games as a kid. And this crazy thing called the internet makes spying (or stalking - it's all semantics people) so much easier. Yes, the plot is a tad contrived - according to IMDB.COM - When a twenty-something computer geek inadvertently downloads critical government secrets into his brain, his former college friend turned CIA recruits him as a secret agent, all while keeping him out of evil hands -- But trust me, it works.

3. One reason it works so well is Zachery Levi or Chuck. He's tall, slightly awkward, and not immediately attractive, yet cute. This is also known as the Jim Halpert effect. He's not immediately handsome. He spends most of the show wearing the uniform of the Buy More Nerd Herd and drives around in a tiny Toyota Matrix (I think that's the car.) And that site of him in the car is hilarious. But he also carries his part well. You root for him even if you think the story is ridiculous.

4. Another reason it works so well is Yvonne Strahovski. She plays Sarah, a CIA agent with the task of protecting the "asset" known as Chuck. It's pretty clear she has feelings for Chuck, but plays her role deftly and brilliantly. She does more with a look then the entire cast of Heroes does with words. Oh and she's hot. And she can kick ass. OH! And she is a woman who is hot and kicking ass and not using sex to do so.

5. Oh another reason it works so well is Adam Baldwin. He plays Casey - an operative with the NSA who is also given the task of protecting Chuck. But we all love him as Jayne on Firefly. And that's really the reason I started watching the show. I love anything Firefly related (although I still haven't been able to watch the Sarah Connor Chronicles.) Plus Adam Baldwin plays uptight Casey as someone tough on the outside but soft in the middle. He has this gooey inside that you can't wait to see crumble week after week as he develops real emotions for Chuck.

6. The writing. I had been watching this after Heroes. And the drastic difference between that writing and this writing is astounding. The show is clever. Pop cultures are thrown in but not overabused (something Josh Schwartz learned with The OC). I am never bored by the dialogue. I don't get distracted by a knitting project and miss half of what just happened. I'm sucked in from beginning to end.

7. Chuck loves his iPhone. And I love my iPhone. iPhone's make everything better.

8. Captain Awesome and Ellie and Morgan and the rest of the Buy More crew. When they all work seamless - the show cracks, pops, and sizzles.

9. Gary Cole as Sarah's (CIA agent) dad. He may or may not make a re-appearance. But his brief spot this season was brilliant. It reminded me of why we love Gary Cole. He's Lundberg. He's the dad from the Brady Bunch movies. He's good in everything he does.

10. The theme song is Cake's "Short Skirt, Long Jacket." 'Nuff said.

And this would be the end of my Chuck Public Service Announcement.

Not a decider

I don't like having to make decisions. It's not a bright line dislike. Some decisons I don't mind making. Such as deciding to chop off my hair. Or spending $200 on a pair of green heels. Or buying the entire series of Angel on dvd.

These are decisions I have no problem making.

But then are those other decisions.

The ones you rumble with all day. The ones that aren't even that important, but have consumed all of your thinking. Yeah - those decisions I can't make. I tend to research the hell out of them.

Right now I'm rumbling with the decision of whether or not to buy a new computer. I love my iMac. I've had it for 4.5 years. It still works pretty well. But there are a few things. There's not a lot of RAM, the OS is 4 years old, the hard drive does not have that much space. I made the mistake of walking into the apple store last night and playing with a new MacBook. I asked some questions and it's probably feasible for me to increase the RAM and upgrade the OS on my iMac for under $300. That is fiscally responsible. I am not sure about the upgrading of the hard drive yet. I didn't think of that question until today.

And well, did I mention that I played with the new MacBook?

So, my decision making is now muddled with shiny new computer versus frugality in difficult times.

I am ignoring thinking about it right now. I'm watching the Golden Globes. I'm a sucker for awards shows. I love it. I have spent many a run planning my awards acceptance speech in my head to get me through. It's fun. It's a good way to power through a hill.

And in what might become a routine post on my part - a gluten free baking adventure. I baked some bread and I think it was my best yet. I used the Bob's Red Mill Wonderful Homemade Bread. It's a mix based on garbanzo beans and while that doesn't sound entirely tasty - let me assure you it is (if you are not opposed to the bean taste.) I used the gluten free setting on my breadmaker and tried a few new suggestions from my dad. He bakes amazing bread (with gluten) and taught himself after my mom fell ill. I asked him how he preps the yeast and he suggested warming up the liquid more than I had been. He was very wary with the fact that the gluten free setting did not have a rising section - but that's the way without gluten. With no gluten, there's no need for the dough to rise for hours. It's not getting any higher. Anyway, this excites me. Bread that sort of looks like regular bread.

From January 2008 album

Why did I not know about the Gaslight Anthem before last night. This is an awesome album.

It's the first post of this new year. 2009. I think it will be okay. Based on all the pamphlets I was handed regarding grief, I am supposed to not make any decisions for one year. So in October, I will be chock full of 'em. No sudden movements if you will.

Of course, sometimes you can't control the sudden movements. For example, the state legislature could just decide to make your job irrelevant because of one newspaper writer's crusade. And then you're suddenly sitting at home without a job that really when you think about it, you didn't hate. You liked what you did. It was the people that made it harder than it should be.

Or family keeps thinking you should date so they set you up with people. Can I open the first date with "Hi, according to this pamphlet the hospital gave me, I am not supposed to make any sudden decisions for a year. I have X number of months left."

Or you really need to get out for a bit. Is a spontaneous vacation a sudden movement? Of course, I am not the most spontaneous kiddo in the world. So there would be super planning for the supposed spontaneity.

Instead of planning for this year or doing any meditative journaling on the topic, I sat on my futon last night knitting a red hat and watching Buffy. It's that wierd season of Buffy where they bring her back from the dead and she begins this really unhealthy and violent affair with Spike and Dawn becomes a shoplifter and Willow was all super crazy witch in recovery and Anya and Zander are supposed to get married. But, it did have the AWESOME musical episode.

hmmm.. Maybe Joss Whedon should do musicals more often. Ahem, Mr. Whedon. Please? Pretty please? I would love it. It would make this girl so happy.

But I do have a couple new year resolves. Not resolutions. These are things I resolve to do more often. I want to travel more. And by travel I mean, just get out of my house more. Take a day off and go to a museum. Take a train ride to New York. Go to Boston. Also visit my friend Sara in Chicago. I will do that this year.

I also want to try to go back to yoga again. I haven't gone to a yoga class since the day after my mom died. I started yoga years ago looking for quiet. That quiet was scary recently. It scares me less now.

Use my knitting powers for good. Not evil. And finish the red hat.

The 2008 Year in Review

So, last year Jacqueline started this trend on her myspace blog. Then Jess copied her. Then I copied. Jess brought it back this year. And I copied.

Yes, I am a lemming. But I am breaking trend in that I am not doing this in the third person.

Song of the year:

• “No No No N0” Mate of State
• “Sweet Darlin'” She & Him
• “Magick" Ryan Adams
• The soundtrack to Dr. Horrible's Sing A Long Blog

And the winner is: Unlike last year - I think these songs actually were all released this year. As much as I adore Ryan Adams and fell in love with She & Him and I do like screaming "No, No, No" over and over again - there is no choice that the winner is Dr. Horrible's Sing A Long Blog. I reference a lyric every day. Hell, look at the name of this blog. There really should just be one nominee. But I wanted to be fair.

Show of the year:

• Neko Case at the Calvin Theater in Northampton
• Isabella playing at the Bushnell
• She & Him at the Academy of Music
• Luch and Vinnie Rocking out in the basement like it was 1985 again

And the winner is: Ummm.. I feel like there are some missing here - but these were probably the best. The winner is She & Him. Even with the wierd opening act. I did not stop smiling for almost the entire hour.

Movie of the Year:

• The Dark Knight
• Tropic Thunder
• Dr. Horrible's Sing A Long Blog
• Iron Man

And the winner is: Hands down, The Dark Knight. I love Dr. Horrible (again the title of this blog) but I was giddy with anticipation for the Dark Knight for the past year. And it fulfilled my expectations. I sat there dumbfounded and amazed the entire time. Even the annoying Bat voice didn't bring me down.

TV Show/Episode/Moment of the Year:

• Lost - the scene where Jin dies. You know the one. Sun screaming in the helicopter.
• Mad Men - the whole shebang
• 30 Rock - The Subway hero episode.
• How I Met Your Mother - The Bracket.
• Dr. Who - The Library episodes

And the winner is: I inserted this category because I watch a lot of TV. Probably too much. But, I thought it was another fun thing to think about. I left out a lot. That scene in the season finale of Battlestar Galactica when they discover Earth. Saturday Night Live and Tina Fey. Wondering if Keith Olbermann might explode on MSNBC. But, the most amazing thing I watched all year was Mad Men. I loved my Sunday nights. I could not wait for the next episode each week and each week I fell in love with the women of that show.

Book of the Year:

• The Twilight series
• Things the Grandchildren Should Know by Mark Oliver Everett
• Y: The Last Man by Brian K. Vaughn
• Gluten Free Girl by Shauna James Ahern

And the winner is: A lot of my life was sucked away due to Twilight (get it - sucked away) but Things the Grandchildren Should Know should have made me fall apart when I read it - but it made me laugh, smile, and I could not stop reading it. I highly recommend it if you want to feel inspired and just enjoy a good story. Life-changing, I don't know. But something definitely happened.

Work Accomplishment of the Year:

• Judge Lawlor knowing my name
• The May CAPC meeting that was awesome even with drama
• Shutting the door

And the winner is: This is really hard. One of my New Year resolutions for 2008 was to have the Judge know my name, but then he resigned. I hope there is no correlation. But I think the May CAPC meeting takes it by a hair. There was drama. I have new nicknames for people. And I think I rocked it. If you want to full story - by me a gimlet and we can discuss.

Saying of the Year:

• Everything said in Maine. Favorites include "I'll just wait for him to pull out" and "I just want to get higher."
• What's a Virgin? - Tessa asking her grandmother.
• There was pervasive damage to your intestinal villi. - Dr. Wu
• "You'll always be 26" - Dave aka Aiden aka Adrien aka He Who Shall Not Be Named

And the winner is: "Pervasive damage” takes the gluten free cake. After those few words I had to transform the way I live and eat and think. It was a tough and interesting adjustment that is still ongoing.

Sports Moment of the Year:

• Napoli briefing sitting atop Serie A.
• Being happy that I won't be forced to watch the Superbowl in 2009 because none of the teams either of my brothers support is involved.
• the Wii Fit Christmas Day snowboarding competition.

And the winner is: Ummm... Napoli sitting atop Serie A was really nice, but I just can't get into American football so not having to hear about the Superbowl next year is soooo awesome.

Meal Experience of the Year:

• Everything at Kripalu - but specifically that one night of the neverending dinner
• The first gluten free cupcake
• The pasta the first night at Emery's in Maine
• Dinner in Little Brazil after Rent

And the winner is: All great experiences and wonderful in their own way. But Kripalu wins. It was my first week of eating entirely gluten free and it was sooo damn good and clean.

Best Supporting Actor in a Chick Lit/Flick Comedy:

• Jacqueline and Jess
• Dave a.k.a Adrien a.k.a Aiden a.k.a. He Who Shall Not Be Named
• The Starbucks crew
• Team Paul

And the winner is: Ummm... Two repeat nominees. Two new ones. But I'm just gonna go with Team Paul because, well Team Paul. I called him a girl. I've called him my candidate for hope and change. I, yeah... I have issues.

Best Scene in a Chick Lit/Flick Comedy:

• Calling Team Paul a girl
• The Maine trip
• "So, my band opened up for Hanson."

And the winner is: Hanson? Really? Anyway, I think the best scene is calling Team Paul a girl. I mean, I called him a girl.

Storyline of the Year:

• Fist pounding declaration of the year of me
• Starbucks Girls
• My mom

Moment of the Year:

• October 8, 2008, 5 pm, St. Francis Hospital

And the winner is:

These two categories are together for one simple reason - there was no other storyline or moment this year that meant anything more to me. I've tried to keep this list comical and happy, but those of you who know me - know that it is not a comical and happy time. I've struggled the past few months and I know I will survive and as the cliche goes, probably emerge stronger from the ashes. But, watching my mother breathe her last breath took a lot out of me. I've over compensated a bit in order to survive the holidays, but I won't lie - it's been really, really hard.

Thanks for reading. Looking forward to 2009 is sublime.