Sooo exhausted....

When I was diagnosed with celiac disease, I had all these hopes with the diagnosis.

There was this answer to all of the strange health issues I seem to have. The fact that I felt old all the time. Or that I could not ever get over being exhausted. Or the fact that I space out quite easily. Things that should not otherwise be happening to a normal and healthy 30 (now 31) year old. I was downright hopeful. It would be hard, sure, but it was an answer.

But I'm feeling like crap. All the damn time. And it's beginning to make me angry. I mean, wasn't giving up gluten supposed to make me not feel gross? Why hasn't my neverending joint pain gone away? Why am I still not feeling all that great?

After talking about this the other day, a very kind friend tried to give me an easy out saying that I have had a crappy time the past few months and it's probably just wearing on me. But that doesn't feel right. Maybe it's just allergies. Maybe I am just nursing my grief and depression in a very physical form. Maybe I will "snap out of it" when that magical year comes to an end. But why does it feel an awful lot like it felt before I was diagnosed with celiac disease?

When I was told celiac, I was relieved. In my life, medical problems didn't have "easy" answers. And celiac had such a simple answer. It would be hard to live gluten free, but it also had a solution. I want a new solution. I'm taking suggestions. Anything really? I know that the smart thing to do is to go see someone and try to figure it out. But, I also feel a little bit crazy. Like I'm just whining about general things. Nothing really specific.

Anyway, I just had another piece of an awesome gluten free lasagna my dad made last week. I was going to make it, but he was bored. It was pretty darn tasty. And would have been tastier had I actually heated it up properly.

Not a decider

I don't like having to make decisions. It's not a bright line dislike. Some decisons I don't mind making. Such as deciding to chop off my hair. Or spending $200 on a pair of green heels. Or buying the entire series of Angel on dvd.

These are decisions I have no problem making.

But then are those other decisions.

The ones you rumble with all day. The ones that aren't even that important, but have consumed all of your thinking. Yeah - those decisions I can't make. I tend to research the hell out of them.

Right now I'm rumbling with the decision of whether or not to buy a new computer. I love my iMac. I've had it for 4.5 years. It still works pretty well. But there are a few things. There's not a lot of RAM, the OS is 4 years old, the hard drive does not have that much space. I made the mistake of walking into the apple store last night and playing with a new MacBook. I asked some questions and it's probably feasible for me to increase the RAM and upgrade the OS on my iMac for under $300. That is fiscally responsible. I am not sure about the upgrading of the hard drive yet. I didn't think of that question until today.

And well, did I mention that I played with the new MacBook?

So, my decision making is now muddled with shiny new computer versus frugality in difficult times.

I am ignoring thinking about it right now. I'm watching the Golden Globes. I'm a sucker for awards shows. I love it. I have spent many a run planning my awards acceptance speech in my head to get me through. It's fun. It's a good way to power through a hill.

And in what might become a routine post on my part - a gluten free baking adventure. I baked some bread and I think it was my best yet. I used the Bob's Red Mill Wonderful Homemade Bread. It's a mix based on garbanzo beans and while that doesn't sound entirely tasty - let me assure you it is (if you are not opposed to the bean taste.) I used the gluten free setting on my breadmaker and tried a few new suggestions from my dad. He bakes amazing bread (with gluten) and taught himself after my mom fell ill. I asked him how he preps the yeast and he suggested warming up the liquid more than I had been. He was very wary with the fact that the gluten free setting did not have a rising section - but that's the way without gluten. With no gluten, there's no need for the dough to rise for hours. It's not getting any higher. Anyway, this excites me. Bread that sort of looks like regular bread.

From January 2008 album

Merry Christmas

Despite the frightening state of this economy, I bought these shoes. They are Cole Hahn and I ordered them off Zappos.com which assured me that I was getting a deal. Somehow I found it completely respectable to spend over a $150 on a pair of green suede heels. Actually, I still do. The shoes are awesome. And they also are among the most comfortable heels I've ever put on my feet. Cole Hahn has the Nike Support Cushiony thingamajig going on in the soles and it feels so heavenly to put on. And, they look ahmazing.

I believe in the power of heels. I understand that some find that they overly sexualize woman and force a submissiveness. Or that we just wear them because society demands it. Or that they are impractical. (I'm basically talking about Germain Greer here.) But I say that's total and complete hogwash. I feel immensely more confident when I am walking in a heel. I feel like I am taken seriously at work and in life. And hell, sometimes don't we want to feel hot and as a girl with a ton of body image issues, I must say I feel hot in a pair of heels. And my green suede Cole Hahns do the trick.

Anyway, if I'm overly sexualized in my heels, I am also apparently overly domesticated in my love of baking and cooking. The rest of household tasks can be done by robots, but the cooking is always going to be my domain. Sadly, my living situation right now doesn't allow me to cook much despite how much I love it. Since my mom has passed away, my dad's need to care for people has fallen to me which means dinner is always cooked and waiting for me. And it also means I always come home too late. But, baking is all me. And since going gluten free, I am newly obsessed with it. I love to play around with the various flours involved and tweak various recipes I've discovered. There's something oddly satisfying about watching that loaf of gluten free bread come out juuuust right.

So tonight, I baked. I have a few friends coming over some holiday cheer tomorrow night and I thought I would try and make the affair as gluten free as possible. I made cupcakes. I'm obsessed with cupcakes right now. I'm also obsessed with homemade frosting - none of that out of a jar crap. Making your own frosting takes two seconds and is sooo worth it once you realize how much better it tastes.

Anyway, this year instead of dozens of cookies, I'm focusing on cupcakes. I'm also trying to find a way to give cupcakes away to people as a little holiday token. Cookies are easy, you put them in a plate or even a gift bag or a tiny tin. Cupcakes need some planning. Suggestions?

Tonight was not nearly as adventurous as I had originally hoped it would be. I was doing a few other things at the same time - like felting for the first time, writing out Christmas cards, and watching the Muppets Christmas special. I decided to just take the easy way out and use Pamela's cake mixes and make chocolate and vanilla cupcakes. So I didn't have to play with all the flours I had taken out of the downstairs freezer in anticipation.


I also didn't make the frosting yet. That is better done tomorrow night so it doesn't get watery. I have a recipe for ginger molasses cupcakes I found on Gluten Free Girl that I didn't have the energy to try. That will be this weekend's project. The cupcakes looks good.



They taste pretty good also. And the felted bag came out pretty good as well.
It was my first felting experience. I'm excited at how well it seems to have turned out.
You can't tell much in this picture and it is still drying down in the basement. But it is supposed to be my niece's Christmas present. Or one of them at least. And I am pretty impressed at how easy it was to do.




Apparently I have become a super girlie girl in the past year. Hmm... Interesting evolution. But I still love my Converse and am still obsessed with Dr. Who.