on a gay man.
At least I think it's a crush.
It might just be a mild infatuation. Or a random desire. Or a fascination with the man having less to do with anything desirous or lustful.
I mean, I don't want to kiss him (I'd probably giggle really loud if that ever happened) and I don't want to see him naked. Hell, I don't even want to see him shirtless. Although after spending the better part of yesterday morning thinking about it, he'd probably look damn good shirtless. I think he might be a runner. He looks fit.
But I am enamored.
It's sort of the way I fell for Obama. Something about being present for a great speech while the speaker is wearing a well cut suit and has good hair. It just works. I mean, there's a lot more to my Obama love (his politics for one. My happiness at the end of the Bush era for another.) And there's a lot more to my Team Paul (that's my nickname for him) fascination.
He is on the different side of my political fence. But when he speaks I feel like he gets it. He knows what needs to be done. He's practical, but I think unafraid of making unpopular decisions during a difficult time. He seems to be a good person in a crisis.
And that is something I admire. Because, me, no, I do awful in crisis. I crumble. I cry. I shake. I talk fast (pyschologists refer to it as pressured speech when it happens in a manic phase.) I sort of lose my cool. And when you don't have a lot of "cool" to begin with, it's basically a disaster.
So, when I am confronted with someone who seems like he or she can handle that crisis, I attach. And sometimes they become that friend in a clutch. And sometimes I just admire from afar while perfecting the art of making a fool of myself everytime I speak to the person.
Team Paul and I - we're in the latter category. There was the "aw fuck!" incident of 2004 (I think it was 2004). And then there was the time I called him a girl. And the time he caught me napping. And that time I was completely unable to answer that oh so loaded question of "how are you?"
I wish I could be more in control of my idiocy when I was around him. I wish I could have a conversation and not find myself wanting to fall back to my safe role of loveable fool. I'm actually pretty smart. And I have good ideas. And I should share them. But instead of being that person, I become the person who talks in pressured speech and makes snarky comments at inappropriate times.
I like to think that in a parallel universe, I'm much more in control of this idiocy and Team Paul and I are great friends. In fact, perhaps he hires me to work for him. It's a comforting thought. That there's a version of me out there that knows how to be cool on occasion.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Friday, January 23, 2009
The most random and crazy of happenstances
So, I named the blog "Crazy Random Happenstance" for the simple reason that I'm a nerd. And I loved Dr. Horrible's Sing A-Long Blog (and now watch it on my iPod while running at the gym.) And I needed a name and poof! it just appeared out of nowhere.
And then as things sometimes happen in life, you realize the truth behind certain cliched phrases. Like that one time my sophomore year of college when my neighbor was looking at a bumper sticker on someone's back pack and she said "Mean people really do suck." I mean, duh. But it's like so totally true. And so the same with crazy random happenstances. Something that maybe didn't pop into my everyday vocabulary until just this past July, but I am realizing more and more that there are a lot of these little random happenstances in life. In fact, one might even say that life is just one big crazy random happenstance.
Okay, so there's my quick philosophy theory for this Friday evening.
This week's Crazy Random Happenstance of choice - my family. Or to be more specific, my mother's family. A few years back when my aunt died, I started to realize how much about my parent's I didn't know. I could get a lot of knowledge about my dad through his nieces and his sisters. But my mom was a different story. She came to the U.S when she was 20 with her mother and her brother. My mom's memory has been pretty fuzzy since she had her initial cardiac event when I was 14 and lost her short term memory. My grandmother passed away when I was still in college. And over the years, family tensions and stubborn minds have prevailed keeping us pretty distant from the rest of her family aside from a niece and nephew. The family tensions and stubborn minds are on all sides. And have trickled down through generations. And now even I am stuck unable to really talk to my uncle or try to re-connect with my cousins.
Since my mom died in October, I've had this really desperate need to know more about her. I want to know who she was before she became my mom. Before she moved here. What were her dreams and her hopes. Stuff I never had the chance to really talk about. How many people have those heart to hearts with their mom when they are 13 and younger? I know I didn't. But I think we would have been close when I was older. We were close. But it was different. Our relationship was very much flip flopped. And as such, there was a lot I never got to as. Or if I did ask I was never sure what was true.
This desperate need has translated to a few near phone calls to my uncle. A few attempts to pry stories out of my dad (who only take on story teller roles after he's had a few glasses of wine.) A few random conversations with cousins who knew my mom from the minute she married into my dad's family. But those conversations were all pretty superficial. And I can't yet bring myself to call my uncle. What would I say? How do you overcome a family's lifetime of anger with a simple phone call? And is it even up to me to do it? That I still need to mull over. I'm still reeling from the fact that my mother is dead. How can I move forward on that front?
And where is the crazy random happenstance in all of this?
This week I received an email from my mom's cousin in Italy. A person I did not even know existed. A person who was looking for me because he is trying to finish a family tree. It's like someone just threw me a little gift. Out of nowhere. And now I need to act on it.
There's trepidation for sure. How did this person even know I exist? Why now? Why me? Why not my brother who visited my mother's hometown?
But not to act on it would be wrong. And contrary to everything I keep saying I want. I want to know who my mom was - so who best than someone who apparently played with her as a child. Maybe I can finally find a way to name all the people in my mother's old photos.
And that is where my random life keeps heading.
And my gluten free food recommendation for the week - Trader Joe's Gluten Free Ginger Snaps. Spicy + Sweet = AWESOME
And then as things sometimes happen in life, you realize the truth behind certain cliched phrases. Like that one time my sophomore year of college when my neighbor was looking at a bumper sticker on someone's back pack and she said "Mean people really do suck." I mean, duh. But it's like so totally true. And so the same with crazy random happenstances. Something that maybe didn't pop into my everyday vocabulary until just this past July, but I am realizing more and more that there are a lot of these little random happenstances in life. In fact, one might even say that life is just one big crazy random happenstance.
Okay, so there's my quick philosophy theory for this Friday evening.
This week's Crazy Random Happenstance of choice - my family. Or to be more specific, my mother's family. A few years back when my aunt died, I started to realize how much about my parent's I didn't know. I could get a lot of knowledge about my dad through his nieces and his sisters. But my mom was a different story. She came to the U.S when she was 20 with her mother and her brother. My mom's memory has been pretty fuzzy since she had her initial cardiac event when I was 14 and lost her short term memory. My grandmother passed away when I was still in college. And over the years, family tensions and stubborn minds have prevailed keeping us pretty distant from the rest of her family aside from a niece and nephew. The family tensions and stubborn minds are on all sides. And have trickled down through generations. And now even I am stuck unable to really talk to my uncle or try to re-connect with my cousins.
Since my mom died in October, I've had this really desperate need to know more about her. I want to know who she was before she became my mom. Before she moved here. What were her dreams and her hopes. Stuff I never had the chance to really talk about. How many people have those heart to hearts with their mom when they are 13 and younger? I know I didn't. But I think we would have been close when I was older. We were close. But it was different. Our relationship was very much flip flopped. And as such, there was a lot I never got to as. Or if I did ask I was never sure what was true.
This desperate need has translated to a few near phone calls to my uncle. A few attempts to pry stories out of my dad (who only take on story teller roles after he's had a few glasses of wine.) A few random conversations with cousins who knew my mom from the minute she married into my dad's family. But those conversations were all pretty superficial. And I can't yet bring myself to call my uncle. What would I say? How do you overcome a family's lifetime of anger with a simple phone call? And is it even up to me to do it? That I still need to mull over. I'm still reeling from the fact that my mother is dead. How can I move forward on that front?
And where is the crazy random happenstance in all of this?
This week I received an email from my mom's cousin in Italy. A person I did not even know existed. A person who was looking for me because he is trying to finish a family tree. It's like someone just threw me a little gift. Out of nowhere. And now I need to act on it.
There's trepidation for sure. How did this person even know I exist? Why now? Why me? Why not my brother who visited my mother's hometown?
But not to act on it would be wrong. And contrary to everything I keep saying I want. I want to know who my mom was - so who best than someone who apparently played with her as a child. Maybe I can finally find a way to name all the people in my mother's old photos.
And that is where my random life keeps heading.
And my gluten free food recommendation for the week - Trader Joe's Gluten Free Ginger Snaps. Spicy + Sweet = AWESOME
Friday, January 16, 2009
monday night tv
I watch a lot of tv. Wait too much. More than is probably healthy. I think once I got the DVR hookup, I started watching even more television. Because, you know, I could record sooooo much.
The next few months are proving to be a little bit stressful. As so happens (quite randomly, or not...) Monday nights are going to be furiously insane tv viewing nights. There's How I Met Your Mother and Heroes (which I still begrudgingly watch - I have faith, you know?), and now 24 has come back. But more importantly than all that I am in love with Chuck.
Why Chuck, you ask?
Well, I've decided that instead of writing about the possibly stalker esque owner of my gym (a place which reminds me of Average Joe's in the movie Dodgeball) or the local opinion columnist doing all that is in his power to convince people my place of employment should not exist or the fact that my co-worker "Accidentally" wore her mom's pants to work yesterday - I will write for you TEN REASONS WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH CHUCK.
1. It's created by Joshua Schwartz. Who's he? Well he created The OC. And Gossip Girl (which I have yet to watch - it's in my Netflix queue). Say what you will about The OC, but that first season was fab. It was wonderful. I was such a sucker for Ryan's brooding and Seth's adorableness. Marissa didn't piss me off yet. And hello, Summer Roberts was totally awesome!
2. It's about a regular guy becoming a spy. And who doesn't love that idea? I used to love playing spy games as a kid. And this crazy thing called the internet makes spying (or stalking - it's all semantics people) so much easier. Yes, the plot is a tad contrived - according to IMDB.COM - When a twenty-something computer geek inadvertently downloads critical government secrets into his brain, his former college friend turned CIA recruits him as a secret agent, all while keeping him out of evil hands -- But trust me, it works.
3. One reason it works so well is Zachery Levi or Chuck. He's tall, slightly awkward, and not immediately attractive, yet cute. This is also known as the Jim Halpert effect. He's not immediately handsome. He spends most of the show wearing the uniform of the Buy More Nerd Herd and drives around in a tiny Toyota Matrix (I think that's the car.) And that site of him in the car is hilarious. But he also carries his part well. You root for him even if you think the story is ridiculous.
4. Another reason it works so well is Yvonne Strahovski. She plays Sarah, a CIA agent with the task of protecting the "asset" known as Chuck. It's pretty clear she has feelings for Chuck, but plays her role deftly and brilliantly. She does more with a look then the entire cast of Heroes does with words. Oh and she's hot. And she can kick ass. OH! And she is a woman who is hot and kicking ass and not using sex to do so.
5. Oh another reason it works so well is Adam Baldwin. He plays Casey - an operative with the NSA who is also given the task of protecting Chuck. But we all love him as Jayne on Firefly. And that's really the reason I started watching the show. I love anything Firefly related (although I still haven't been able to watch the Sarah Connor Chronicles.) Plus Adam Baldwin plays uptight Casey as someone tough on the outside but soft in the middle. He has this gooey inside that you can't wait to see crumble week after week as he develops real emotions for Chuck.
6. The writing. I had been watching this after Heroes. And the drastic difference between that writing and this writing is astounding. The show is clever. Pop cultures are thrown in but not overabused (something Josh Schwartz learned with The OC). I am never bored by the dialogue. I don't get distracted by a knitting project and miss half of what just happened. I'm sucked in from beginning to end.
7. Chuck loves his iPhone. And I love my iPhone. iPhone's make everything better.
8. Captain Awesome and Ellie and Morgan and the rest of the Buy More crew. When they all work seamless - the show cracks, pops, and sizzles.
9. Gary Cole as Sarah's (CIA agent) dad. He may or may not make a re-appearance. But his brief spot this season was brilliant. It reminded me of why we love Gary Cole. He's Lundberg. He's the dad from the Brady Bunch movies. He's good in everything he does.
10. The theme song is Cake's "Short Skirt, Long Jacket." 'Nuff said.
And this would be the end of my Chuck Public Service Announcement.
The next few months are proving to be a little bit stressful. As so happens (quite randomly, or not...) Monday nights are going to be furiously insane tv viewing nights. There's How I Met Your Mother and Heroes (which I still begrudgingly watch - I have faith, you know?), and now 24 has come back. But more importantly than all that I am in love with Chuck.
Why Chuck, you ask?
Well, I've decided that instead of writing about the possibly stalker esque owner of my gym (a place which reminds me of Average Joe's in the movie Dodgeball) or the local opinion columnist doing all that is in his power to convince people my place of employment should not exist or the fact that my co-worker "Accidentally" wore her mom's pants to work yesterday - I will write for you TEN REASONS WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH CHUCK.
1. It's created by Joshua Schwartz. Who's he? Well he created The OC. And Gossip Girl (which I have yet to watch - it's in my Netflix queue). Say what you will about The OC, but that first season was fab. It was wonderful. I was such a sucker for Ryan's brooding and Seth's adorableness. Marissa didn't piss me off yet. And hello, Summer Roberts was totally awesome!
2. It's about a regular guy becoming a spy. And who doesn't love that idea? I used to love playing spy games as a kid. And this crazy thing called the internet makes spying (or stalking - it's all semantics people) so much easier. Yes, the plot is a tad contrived - according to IMDB.COM - When a twenty-something computer geek inadvertently downloads critical government secrets into his brain, his former college friend turned CIA recruits him as a secret agent, all while keeping him out of evil hands -- But trust me, it works.
3. One reason it works so well is Zachery Levi or Chuck. He's tall, slightly awkward, and not immediately attractive, yet cute. This is also known as the Jim Halpert effect. He's not immediately handsome. He spends most of the show wearing the uniform of the Buy More Nerd Herd and drives around in a tiny Toyota Matrix (I think that's the car.) And that site of him in the car is hilarious. But he also carries his part well. You root for him even if you think the story is ridiculous.
4. Another reason it works so well is Yvonne Strahovski. She plays Sarah, a CIA agent with the task of protecting the "asset" known as Chuck. It's pretty clear she has feelings for Chuck, but plays her role deftly and brilliantly. She does more with a look then the entire cast of Heroes does with words. Oh and she's hot. And she can kick ass. OH! And she is a woman who is hot and kicking ass and not using sex to do so.
5. Oh another reason it works so well is Adam Baldwin. He plays Casey - an operative with the NSA who is also given the task of protecting Chuck. But we all love him as Jayne on Firefly. And that's really the reason I started watching the show. I love anything Firefly related (although I still haven't been able to watch the Sarah Connor Chronicles.) Plus Adam Baldwin plays uptight Casey as someone tough on the outside but soft in the middle. He has this gooey inside that you can't wait to see crumble week after week as he develops real emotions for Chuck.
6. The writing. I had been watching this after Heroes. And the drastic difference between that writing and this writing is astounding. The show is clever. Pop cultures are thrown in but not overabused (something Josh Schwartz learned with The OC). I am never bored by the dialogue. I don't get distracted by a knitting project and miss half of what just happened. I'm sucked in from beginning to end.
7. Chuck loves his iPhone. And I love my iPhone. iPhone's make everything better.
8. Captain Awesome and Ellie and Morgan and the rest of the Buy More crew. When they all work seamless - the show cracks, pops, and sizzles.
9. Gary Cole as Sarah's (CIA agent) dad. He may or may not make a re-appearance. But his brief spot this season was brilliant. It reminded me of why we love Gary Cole. He's Lundberg. He's the dad from the Brady Bunch movies. He's good in everything he does.
10. The theme song is Cake's "Short Skirt, Long Jacket." 'Nuff said.
And this would be the end of my Chuck Public Service Announcement.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Not a decider
I don't like having to make decisions. It's not a bright line dislike. Some decisons I don't mind making. Such as deciding to chop off my hair. Or spending $200 on a pair of green heels. Or buying the entire series of Angel on dvd.
These are decisions I have no problem making.
But then are those other decisions.
The ones you rumble with all day. The ones that aren't even that important, but have consumed all of your thinking. Yeah - those decisions I can't make. I tend to research the hell out of them.
Right now I'm rumbling with the decision of whether or not to buy a new computer. I love my iMac. I've had it for 4.5 years. It still works pretty well. But there are a few things. There's not a lot of RAM, the OS is 4 years old, the hard drive does not have that much space. I made the mistake of walking into the apple store last night and playing with a new MacBook. I asked some questions and it's probably feasible for me to increase the RAM and upgrade the OS on my iMac for under $300. That is fiscally responsible. I am not sure about the upgrading of the hard drive yet. I didn't think of that question until today.
And well, did I mention that I played with the new MacBook?
So, my decision making is now muddled with shiny new computer versus frugality in difficult times.
I am ignoring thinking about it right now. I'm watching the Golden Globes. I'm a sucker for awards shows. I love it. I have spent many a run planning my awards acceptance speech in my head to get me through. It's fun. It's a good way to power through a hill.
And in what might become a routine post on my part - a gluten free baking adventure. I baked some bread and I think it was my best yet. I used the Bob's Red Mill Wonderful Homemade Bread. It's a mix based on garbanzo beans and while that doesn't sound entirely tasty - let me assure you it is (if you are not opposed to the bean taste.) I used the gluten free setting on my breadmaker and tried a few new suggestions from my dad. He bakes amazing bread (with gluten) and taught himself after my mom fell ill. I asked him how he preps the yeast and he suggested warming up the liquid more than I had been. He was very wary with the fact that the gluten free setting did not have a rising section - but that's the way without gluten. With no gluten, there's no need for the dough to rise for hours. It's not getting any higher. Anyway, this excites me. Bread that sort of looks like regular bread.
These are decisions I have no problem making.
But then are those other decisions.
The ones you rumble with all day. The ones that aren't even that important, but have consumed all of your thinking. Yeah - those decisions I can't make. I tend to research the hell out of them.
Right now I'm rumbling with the decision of whether or not to buy a new computer. I love my iMac. I've had it for 4.5 years. It still works pretty well. But there are a few things. There's not a lot of RAM, the OS is 4 years old, the hard drive does not have that much space. I made the mistake of walking into the apple store last night and playing with a new MacBook. I asked some questions and it's probably feasible for me to increase the RAM and upgrade the OS on my iMac for under $300. That is fiscally responsible. I am not sure about the upgrading of the hard drive yet. I didn't think of that question until today.
And well, did I mention that I played with the new MacBook?
So, my decision making is now muddled with shiny new computer versus frugality in difficult times.
I am ignoring thinking about it right now. I'm watching the Golden Globes. I'm a sucker for awards shows. I love it. I have spent many a run planning my awards acceptance speech in my head to get me through. It's fun. It's a good way to power through a hill.
And in what might become a routine post on my part - a gluten free baking adventure. I baked some bread and I think it was my best yet. I used the Bob's Red Mill Wonderful Homemade Bread. It's a mix based on garbanzo beans and while that doesn't sound entirely tasty - let me assure you it is (if you are not opposed to the bean taste.) I used the gluten free setting on my breadmaker and tried a few new suggestions from my dad. He bakes amazing bread (with gluten) and taught himself after my mom fell ill. I asked him how he preps the yeast and he suggested warming up the liquid more than I had been. He was very wary with the fact that the gluten free setting did not have a rising section - but that's the way without gluten. With no gluten, there's no need for the dough to rise for hours. It's not getting any higher. Anyway, this excites me. Bread that sort of looks like regular bread.
 |
| From January 2008 album |
Tuesday, January 06, 2009
Why did I not know about the Gaslight Anthem before last night. This is an awesome album.
It's the first post of this new year. 2009. I think it will be okay. Based on all the pamphlets I was handed regarding grief, I am supposed to not make any decisions for one year. So in October, I will be chock full of 'em. No sudden movements if you will.
Of course, sometimes you can't control the sudden movements. For example, the state legislature could just decide to make your job irrelevant because of one newspaper writer's crusade. And then you're suddenly sitting at home without a job that really when you think about it, you didn't hate. You liked what you did. It was the people that made it harder than it should be.
Or family keeps thinking you should date so they set you up with people. Can I open the first date with "Hi, according to this pamphlet the hospital gave me, I am not supposed to make any sudden decisions for a year. I have X number of months left."
Or you really need to get out for a bit. Is a spontaneous vacation a sudden movement? Of course, I am not the most spontaneous kiddo in the world. So there would be super planning for the supposed spontaneity.
Instead of planning for this year or doing any meditative journaling on the topic, I sat on my futon last night knitting a red hat and watching Buffy. It's that wierd season of Buffy where they bring her back from the dead and she begins this really unhealthy and violent affair with Spike and Dawn becomes a shoplifter and Willow was all super crazy witch in recovery and Anya and Zander are supposed to get married. But, it did have the AWESOME musical episode.
hmmm.. Maybe Joss Whedon should do musicals more often. Ahem, Mr. Whedon. Please? Pretty please? I would love it. It would make this girl so happy.
But I do have a couple new year resolves. Not resolutions. These are things I resolve to do more often. I want to travel more. And by travel I mean, just get out of my house more. Take a day off and go to a museum. Take a train ride to New York. Go to Boston. Also visit my friend Sara in Chicago. I will do that this year.
I also want to try to go back to yoga again. I haven't gone to a yoga class since the day after my mom died. I started yoga years ago looking for quiet. That quiet was scary recently. It scares me less now.
Use my knitting powers for good. Not evil. And finish the red hat.
Of course, sometimes you can't control the sudden movements. For example, the state legislature could just decide to make your job irrelevant because of one newspaper writer's crusade. And then you're suddenly sitting at home without a job that really when you think about it, you didn't hate. You liked what you did. It was the people that made it harder than it should be.
Or family keeps thinking you should date so they set you up with people. Can I open the first date with "Hi, according to this pamphlet the hospital gave me, I am not supposed to make any sudden decisions for a year. I have X number of months left."
Or you really need to get out for a bit. Is a spontaneous vacation a sudden movement? Of course, I am not the most spontaneous kiddo in the world. So there would be super planning for the supposed spontaneity.
Instead of planning for this year or doing any meditative journaling on the topic, I sat on my futon last night knitting a red hat and watching Buffy. It's that wierd season of Buffy where they bring her back from the dead and she begins this really unhealthy and violent affair with Spike and Dawn becomes a shoplifter and Willow was all super crazy witch in recovery and Anya and Zander are supposed to get married. But, it did have the AWESOME musical episode.
hmmm.. Maybe Joss Whedon should do musicals more often. Ahem, Mr. Whedon. Please? Pretty please? I would love it. It would make this girl so happy.
But I do have a couple new year resolves. Not resolutions. These are things I resolve to do more often. I want to travel more. And by travel I mean, just get out of my house more. Take a day off and go to a museum. Take a train ride to New York. Go to Boston. Also visit my friend Sara in Chicago. I will do that this year.
I also want to try to go back to yoga again. I haven't gone to a yoga class since the day after my mom died. I started yoga years ago looking for quiet. That quiet was scary recently. It scares me less now.
Use my knitting powers for good. Not evil. And finish the red hat.
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