At what point did I become a grown up

I don't know when it happened, but I'm not sure I like it. Somewhere along the line I became responsible. Had a steady job for more than 5 years. Have "savings." Debate whether or not a new hoodie is a necessary purchase. Plan for a well balanced meal. Or egads! Actually got rid of some of the tank tops and tshirts that had been my uniform for years.

But at the same time, that other part of me thinks I'm really still fifteen. I bought a pair of red converse because Gwen Cooper wore them the first season of Torchwood. Wearing pigtails (when my hair allowed it) was the norm. I like the big blockbuster comic book movies that have become the style each summer. I still laugh at stupid jokes. And I still have a fine appreciation for The State.

I am not sure when this all happened. It shocked me this week when I was told I look my age. I have never looked my age. When I was a kid, I looked older. And when I was 24 I would get carded buying cigarettes. And now, I "look my age." I was assured that was not a bad thing. The exact quote was

"You look like someone in her late 20s/early 30s."

Granted, I know that's not old. But that also means that when I consider dating someone the age range is not 25-30. But 35-40. And THAT is a scary consideration. When did that become my demographic? My knee jerk reaction is that I couldn't consider a 39 year old to grasp my pop cultural references. Until I realize that "OH MY GOD, I HAVE THE SAME POP CULTURAL REFERENCES AS A 39 YEAR OLD!!!"

Rationally, I know this is not old. I know that I'm only a scary eight years away from that number. I know that I best get along with people older than me in most aspects of life. I know that I've always been beyond responsible and together in this life. And in that respect have always acted more mature than my years might be. I also know that in the great scheme of things 31 is pretty freakin young.

But if we all thought rationally, where would the fun be in that? There would be no more late night mind ramblings. There would be no more over reactions to simple things in life. Goodbye to overthinking how that date went. And that life, while calm and serene, would be a little bit boring methinks.

I'm doing my best to remember that there are plusses to being a grown up. I can get on any ride at the amusement park. I can buy myself things without worrying about having to ask mom or dad for money. I own a car I dig (Hi Severus!) I am respected in my field and people actually seek out my opinion. (That is also a shocking moment in the growing up.) I've had a lot more time to better form my opinions on life and thoughts. I grew up with some of the better pop cultural experiences. (The State, Tommy Boy, Colin Firth as Darcy, Edward Scissorhands, Buffy - the way vampires should be, Green Day)

While I still do not know when it happened or how, I'm grateful for these little things. I also really like the little crinkles around my eyes when I smile.

And while this song doesn't quite fit this post, it's been in my head all week. The Todd Snider obsession will be here all summer. Stay tuned.

Anyone seen my voice?

I have been trying to write again. Get back in the habit and be productive with my writing and other creative endeavors. I have a lot of half starts in my house right now and I'd like to be finish a couple of them.

But it's been really hard. So hard.

I sit down to write and it seems like I've forgotten how to do it. I feel like my stories are no longer in my voice. I used to know my voice really well. In fact, I thought I had a strong voice. One that was me and sometimes quite intuitive and articulate.

But now, the voice is foreign to me. It speaks haltingly and forced. I don't know what happened. It's like it just up and vanished and ran away. Maybe it is participating in an exchange program with another voice? When it comes back it will be stronger and more vibrant then ever?

This week I set about with goals. I've established where I want to write in my house (Incidentally, it's a room I've been jokingly referring to as the creative room since my sewing machine, yarn, and other such materials are sitting in there.) I'm deciding what my writing days and times will be. I'm even thinking about a writing ritual - maybe a piece of clothing or a hat or a scarf. I have the chair. It's orange.

I'm hoping that these baby steps will help my voice return. Because, frankly, it's absence is beginning to piss me off.

ahhh music

I like listening to music. It's a favorite pasttime. You'd be hardpressed to ever find me anywhere without music on. Even if I am not conscious of what I'm listening to, it's there.

For some people, the tv serves that role. The role of crutch. It's just easier for me to do things if music is on. I can work better. I can sit and read better. I can pull weeds out of the back patio better.

All around, it's better with music.

Lately, I've been trying to buy less and just appreciate what it is I own. I've also been spending a lot of time playing with pandora. I love the suggestions pandora gives me and the new ideas. And it's easy to deal with at work. I don't have to remember my iPod. I don't have to hope I have batteries in my speakers. It's all there and good to go.

One of my favorite things to do is hear live music. Sitting at a bar, drink in hand, listening to the band play. I don't do it nearly enough. Sadly, there's a scarcity to the closely accessible and affordable live music in my area. I'm not a fan of the big giant concert experience. I like quiet. I like intimate. And that is in the scarcity 'round these parts.

I'm not necessarily gifted or blessed with musical gifts. But, I try. I've been taking guitar lessons the past year and a half and will actually quit next week. Take a break. Play as I feel inspired. I might take up lessons again in the future. But right now, I'm not feeling it the way I used to. But it's been fun to learn songs. I can play "Blackbird." And "Driver 8." And a few other songs here and there.

Listening to music reminds me that I need to bring creativity into my life more. I need to work that in to my day to day more often. It saddens me that I've fallen into profession where I feel stifled creatively. And I don't get the chance to act on those impulses.

The plan is to learn how to bring that in more. Suggestions?

In honor of the song I know how to play best on guitar I am embedding this video I watched a while ago. It made me weepy. I found it at http://www.superherodesigns.com (a great blog.)

Happy Bloody Monday

It's Monday. And it has acted like Monday.

The thing is - it started sooo well. I was downright happy driving into work. The traffic on route 4 did not bother me. The music playing through my car stereo speakers was quite happy. There was Bruce Springsteen. Some Journey. A little bit of "The Little Mermaid." Yes, Sebastian, "life is the bubbles." Indeed.

And then I got into work. First, there was no staff. And that was wrong.

And then they trickled in. I had to have a conversation about why. And it was not the conversation I wanted to have first thing in the morning. I can't take care of everyone. And I can't force people to do various things. But I wish I could. I wish I could tell my staff person that she was required to take the next two weeks off and address her personal issues because it was interfering with her work. And it is interfering with her work. And the nature of what we do and what I do, it does come back to me. Because I'm her boss. And therefore, I have done a crap job of training. Isn't that how it looks to the public? I'm the one who has to eat the crow and own up for their mistakes because I'm the one who hears the complaint.

I'm frustrated and angry and trying to figure out what it is I'm doing right now.

I've been playing caretaker my entire life and it would be nice to just say fuck it, my turn!

As I told someone earlier, incompetence does have its benefits.

question

Would it be a little too self promoting to get one of my neices or nephew this t-shirt?

Yeah.

I thought not. Unfortunately, my freakishly tall little relatives have already outgrown the sizes available.

today's music... while multi-tasking

I had a fun ride into work today. I was groggy as hell, but the music was good.

1. Driver 8 - REM (first song I learned on guitar that felt like I was playing guitar)
2. If My Heart Was a Car - Old 97s (song that got me running again last year)
3. Spanish Bombs - The Clash (how can you not love this song)
4. Restless Heart Syndrome - Green Day (it's Green Day!!!)
5. Find Another Girl - The Hives (I always forget this song...)

And since coming into work, I've been on the phone with an attorney who loves to talk. It's helping perk me up a bit. That and the cup of coffee at my side. But I just clicked on pandora - Todd Snider Station - the music acting as my soundtrack to this conversation so far has been great. (the conversation has been about 30 minutes so far.)

1. The Believer - Rhett Miller (umm, two days in a row my Todd Snider Station has opened with Rhett Miller)
2. Niteclub - Old 97s (pandora looooves Rhett Miller)
3. The Crane Wife 3 - The Decemberists (I forgot about them. Not incredibly crazy abotu them anymore, but still a fun surprise)
4. For All I Know - James McMurtry (a pandora discovery)
5. Tillamook County Jail - Todd Snider (so, the fifth song into the Todd Snider station is ... Todd Snider)
6. Jerusalem - Steve Earle (I have become a bigger and bigger fan of his stuff)
7. Hover - Rhett Miller (seriously, pandora has such a crush on Rhett Miller. Not that I blame them. He is crushable.)
8. Walkin' Cane - Robert Earl Keen (okay, so previous to this pandora station, I only knew Robert Earl Keen as a character in Todd Snider's song "B-E-E-R Run". But I like anything that opens with a slide guitar.)
9. Fortunate Son - Todd Snider (one of the best covers ever. hands down.)
10. Rich Man's War - Steve Earle (one of my favorite Earle songs.)


So that's about it for now. Phone call's over. This guy loves to talk and I get sucked in each time because the conversation is usually good. He's one of the few attorneys I work with that treats me as an equal in conversation. It's rarer than you think in my present line of work. But it's getting much better.

ummm.... time delay

That conviction to post more sort of fell by the wayside.

Oops.

But, here I am. A new meandering of thoughts for those of you reading to process. Thoughts running through my head today include:

1. I have a great article idea for a sports writer to take on. I'd write on, but I don't exactly have the resources. Or patience to write it. But I want to read the article.

2. I'm nearing the end of my guitar lessons. It's been great. And I've loved them. But I need to proactively start thinking about a house. I need to put that $100-$125 a month aside and focus on a down payment for a house.

3. I'm proactively thinking about buying a house one day.

4. One late night a few weeks back, I stumbled across Bridget Jones' Diary. I love this movie. I adore Renee Zellweger in this one role. I love Darcy. I love Hugh Grant as Wick.. I mean Daniel. It amused me to no end that Gauis Baltar or James Callis as he is known when not on Battlestar Galactica is in this movie as Tom.
But as I watched the ending, I got angry. Specifically angry with Darcy. When I first read the book I was about 21 and I thought Bridget was ridiculous. I could not stand her. She was everything that was wrong with how women were perceived. Then I watched the movie when I was about 24 and I thought, hmm... there's something here. I mean, yeah, she's ridiculous. But I have had those nights singing aloud in my home holding a bottle of vodka. And each time I've re-watched it, I've found something to relate to. The career blundering. The ridiculous flirtations at work. The concerns about what my place in this world is. The attempt to reconcile familial insanity with own insanity. The failure to live up to familial expectations. The movie has grown on me.
Except, well, I got angry a few weeks back. Why? Mark Darcy read Bridget Jones' diary. He reads her diary. That's just wrong. It's reprehensible really. And, previously when watching I was just like Bridget - "Oh noesss... I can't believe it. He read her diary. And she said all those awful things about him. I hope she catches up to him and they can have a romantic kiss in the street." But this time around I thought - "Who the fuck does he think he is? Just picking up her diary and reading it like that? What the hell?"
It seems so basic. We have diaries or journals. They are private. Yes, my blog is a journal of sorts. But I've chosen to make it public. And as such there is a lot edited out. I don't give my inner most thoughts here. Those are in my journal. Which sits by my bed on my bedside table. Those thoughts are for me and for me alone. Maybe one day when I am long dead and gone, someone can find some cultural significance. But really, I'm not that opposed to the Jane Austen family tradition of burning letters and journals upon death. If anyone were to read my journal without my permission, I would feel so violated. Even if that person was Colin Firth. Even if that person turned out to be my very own Darcy (although frankly I may be holding out for a Captain Wentworth these days), I'd be hurt. And angry. And would probably run out into the street to find him. But not for a romantic kiss in the street. I'd confront him about how angry I was.

This was my big revelation about Bridget Jones' Diary this summer. I'll probably continue to watch the movie whenever I stumble across it. And maybe I'll ignore this minor moment of irateness. It was late at night after all. But for now, it's a little less than awesome.

5. While I understand the cultural significance of Michael Jackson dying, I'm a bit dismayed at how much media coverage has been taken up by it. His memorial service was one of the main stories on tonight's NBC news with Brian Williams. The 3-4 minute segment came right before a one minute blurb about US soldiers dying in a roadside bomb in Afghanistan. That turned my stomach a bit.

6. I am thinking about buying red lipstick. But I don't know if I can pull it off.

7. I love listening to Todd Snider.

and lastly, 8. I need a vacation. Badly.