Diet Coke in grass by Anna

Diet Coke in grass by Anna, originally uploaded by laliaberry.

This is one of the first pictures with my new shiny and expensive and beautiful and wonderful camera. Love it.

However I didn't take it. Anna did. My niece. She decided to take a fancy picture of the diet coke bottle laying in the grass. Because it would be funny. Oh children...

Knowledge

It's been brought to my attention that I tend to hyper obsess over things and crave perfection. Or can overwhelm myself with things that are not really that important. Or get overly angry about things that aren't really a big deal.

It's a problem. I know that. And I'm beginning to work on it in very little ways.

For example, a memorial mass is being said for my mother this coming Sunday. I told my brothers about it last week. Old me would remind them again this week. But I decided not to. I told them once. It's on them to write it in a calendar and remember. It's on my dad to remind them again. But I don't have to stay on them. They're big boys.

That may not be a big deal, but it is actually huge for me. I can't constantly be worrying about making sure everyone does what they are supposed to do. Because, well, I don't have that kind of time or energy or desire anymore. And so begin the baby steps. So much of my life has been spent taking care of people that it's time I focused on me. This is what I keep reading. Or hearing. Or being told. Or lectured. Or yelled at about.

You know people, they care so much.

But, that's my knowledge for this week. Also part of my knowledge for this week - I need to fucking write more. I swear rarely in this blog. But it's called for in this instance. And I'm going to start by committing to regular writing dates for this slarfing blog. You hear that people? Er.. Person? All one of you that read this. I'm going to write here regularly!

And together with that knowledge of my need to write more is my need to play with my camera more often. I bought a new one. An expensive one. It's my new baby. And I finally bought it when I realized that I waste tooooo much time worrying about money. Yes, money is important. But so is making myself happy by buying the camera I was too "practical" to buy last year. So, my dear Canon Rebe xsi -I love you. I really really do. This is what love is all about. Isn't it?

procrastination

I sat down tonight to do some writing. Evie (the name of my forever plaguing novel) needs to be edited. She's done now. And just needs massive editing. But somehow instead of working on that, I'm here. Intent to post pictures of my new room. I have not yet come up with a name for this room. It's my little cave. A girl cave if you will. It's where all my time will essentially be spent.

There is work to be done yet. I have not yet put anything up on the walls and am still missing one beloved orange chair and still need to figure out how to work the cubes as coffee table. But, I like the space. I like certain aspects of the space.

This is the basic room from the doorway.



I have prints for all the bare wall present. They just need to be framed and put up. Decorating walls is one place where my few obsessive compulsive decorating tendencies come to light. The frames have to match. I don't care what the little frames look like. In fact, I like variety and eclecticism there. But on the wall they have to match in tone. Not the exact same frame, but color and style must be similar. If not, things just look crazy and out of control.

This is the other side of the room.


I hate that desk. I really do. I loathe it. I have a lot of desk issues lately (see twitter conversations about the work desk). But I am over this desk. I bought it about seven years ago when I was still in law school and had a very different computer. And it was in a very different location. But, now, I don't have a desktop tower anymore. I don't need the hutch. I don't have any need or desire for that desk. But until I am struck by the perfect desk, I will not buy one. I need to love that desk that replaces this one. It needs to be the desk I will have for years and until that desk is located, I will put up with this one.

This is one particular decorative feature I've impressed myself with.



The hooks were left there by my dad. He used to sleep in this room and put the hooks up for his clothes. I did not want to deal with taking them down and potentially not being able to appropriately smooth the wall down in that one spot and having the paint look different. And I have a lot of pictures of my nieces and nephew that are fun and goofy that I like to rotate. Note the awesome orange ribbon.

Other places I want orange to feature, the file cabinet. In the first picture you'll note that the file cabinet is serving as a make shift tv stand. It's not ideal and was not the plan, but since this doubles as my office in addition to my living space, I needed the cabinet and it fit no where else. I have a few ideas for the cabinet - wallpaper, fabric, decoupage. I'm thinking fabric now, mainly because it's easy and quick and could look instantly neat.

Other things I'm digging in the room - the tiara in the spider plant for whimsy and fun, the prominently feature book "How SASSSY Changed My Life," the successful hiding away of the wee, my mom's red cane displayed in a corner, near my guitar.



The room is coming along. I'm hoping it will look less "first apartment" and more like my hideaway when I'm done.

Sometimes it's just supposed to be that way...

Every once in a while it seems like I am on exactly the right track in life. (More often than not it feels like I've totally swerved off track and am about to hit a huge tree, but I digress...)

This has been one of those weeks so far. It's only Tuesday so there is still a long way to go, but it's been a good start. I actually started the day yesterday with complete anger and grrrness. The day was awful. It was just horrible. My office was hosting a town hall wide breakfast. It was a nice event - but completely stressful to plan. Stressful because of the staff and just the timing and the fact that I felt crappy and well, it was Monday and I didn't want to be at work. Then there were meetings I did not want to go. And just never felt like I got anything done.

At some point though, I decided to change my outlook. I began thinking about "things I like." Such as dandelion chains. And showtunes. And my favorite books. Movies. Sunny days. Good coffee.

It sort of worked. And I spent the evening at a seminar learning about what is required to open a solo practice. I have no decisions made. I don't know what I'm doing. But, it was a good thing for me to learn about. And while there I ran into an old advisor of mine who is in sort of the same place. And it amazes me how many people are in this place.

Today had grr potential. But it never happened. I kept myself fairly positive. A lot of different things went wrong, but I opted not to stress. I also found out that I was selected to work on a committee in the state bar association. I need to decide this week and I want to do it. I think. It's hard for me to commit to this. At one level I want to because I am supposed to want to be good at my job and at some point I should advance. Shouldn't I? My ambivalence has less to do with the work than with the commitment to being a lawyer. I need to commit to being a lawyer, but I don't want to. Wasn't I supposed to be living this wonderfully creative life? Shouldn't my life has some meaning? Isn't there more to my life than being a lawyer? And why is it all so exclusive? And why does it stress me out to refer to myself as one? And why did it really weird me out when another attorney said "we speak the same language?"

These are all questions I need to figure out answers to. At some point. And I guess I'm getting there. I've been reading a lot of books on living a creative life outside the daily grind. I figure at some point I'll have it all figured out. It will just take me a while.

And then there was the best random happenstance of my week. I was in Target picking up a prescription to deal with my allergies. I decided to walk out a different way thinking I would look at the cameras. As I did that, I ran into my parents' oldest friends. I had not seen them in a while. I think since my mom's funeral. But, it was good to see them. It felt soooo nice to talk to them. And if I had just walked outside after picking up my prescriptions and not thought about the camera - I wouldn't have run into them. And I feel much better for having run into them.

Sometimes it pays to just take a different way out. Sometimes it worth taking on a role you are not entirely comfortable with just to see what it gets you.

laughter for dreary wednesday

This was on over a week ago. And I'm still giggling. I love How I Met Your Mother. I also really loved this week's episode - especially the bit about the charts. But this opening scene last week about the three day rule. Priceless.

Confessions of a soccer fan

I had my first exposure to the Women's Professional Soccer League last night. WPS started just this year and if I know anything at all about women's soccer it's because my friend Jacqueline has done a good job in her teaching. I am pre-disposed to like the sport. I love soccer. I love watching it. It's the only sport I've ever actively followed. I can't play to save my life. But randomly kicking a ball around or taking shots on goal - that's always a good time. And I could watch soccer games all day if I had to.

I don't know when it started. It may have even begun as an attempt to bond with my dad. And it's worked for the most part. My dad and I have some of our most animated and engaged conversations over a cup of coffee and the soccer standings on Sunday mornings. I sometimes joke that it's the only time we don't argue. Except for those times we disagree. Like when I insist on my undying affection for certain teams.

If my love of soccer began as a father-daughter bonding exercise it persisted because it has a left a huge mark. Maybe it's the heritage. I was brought up in a pretty traditional Italian American family. It's what we do. I remember the 1986 World Cup final held in Mexico. There was some party at my house ... maybe my brother's high school graduation party. But the part that sticks in my mind was the little green black and white tv was carried outside plugged into the outlet outside so all the men could watch the game. I don't remember much else (I was only 9 at the time) but I remember that TV being carried out there. If my memory isn't messing with me, it was carried to a location underneath the gooseberry tree. Would this have happened for a baseball game? No. Football? Hell no. (We'll ignore the fact that the Superbowl is in the winter..)

Another memory involves my parents and I being at a family picnic at High Meadows. They rent out the camp to family and corporate gatherings. I can't remember if this was a family gathering or a corporate one. I do remember lots of family being there (which really means nothing since most of my extended family works/worked at Wiremold.) It was 1994. The World Cup was held in the United States and the final was between Italy and Brazil. Someone arranged a television to be set up in the pavilion and a group of us gathered to watch the match. It was a nail biter. It came down to penalty kicks and Italy ultimately lost. It was awful. And in that moment I became a die hard non-Brazil fan. I decided that I could never ever support Brazil and would never be a fan of their soccer team. Bebeto and Romario were not names I cared to discuss. I remember sitting there in my bathing suit, face paint from earlier in the day screaming at the television when Roberto Baggio and his golden foot missed that last penalty kick. To make matters worse we shared that viewing experience with a large group of Brazilians. It was awful. And solidified my undying love for the sport. There was a bond that day that just made it one of the more memorable experiences in my life. I was only 16, but I remember that day clearly.

And the list continues. The sport has been such a part of my life for so long I can't imagine not being a soccer fan.

There are a lot of other reasons for this girl to be a soccer fan. The game is exciting. Yes, a 0-0 match can be one of the most thrilling things to watch. The fans are fantastic. There are a drums. And, well the athletes are extremely fit. And by fit, I mean ocassionally super hot.



or



or



I purposely did not post shirtless pictures. Because well, that's not the point. But the hotness coupled with the fitness makes it all highly entertaining for me. Especially when you throw in the hope that they'll exchange shirts at the end of a match.

Add in the fun had in watching a game in a group environment. This could be a bar. Or at a camp pavilion. Or in someone's backyard. Or at the actual match. There's something about soccer fans that I haven't been able to find anywhere else. It's fun. The atmosphere is what makes it worthwhile. Even the obnoxious fans are fun. I remember watching Portugal v. England in the 2006 World Cup in a local Irish Pub. I was one of the few rooting for Portugal and I was asked to go sit in the corner with the "other" Portugal fan. Rude? No. Hilarious? Hell yes.

But the fans and the environment bring me to why I started writing this post. Last night at the Breakers v. Sol match in the WPS, the environment was just what I love. Even at a women's soccer game, there were drummers, fans in face paint, flags, and awesome yelling. There was a huge contingent of Brazilian soccer fans rooting for Marta. As one of the young fans next to me proclaimed to her brother "Marta is like probably the greatest soccer player, like, ever." And I loved watching the young fans. I don't know if my young sports career would have been different with more visible women female athletes, but seeing these little girls so excited to see their heroes play was worth the price of admission. The 90+ minutes of great soccer was just an added bonus. And it was great soccer. I might even say it was better than any MLS match I'd been to. Is that a knock on MLS? No. I think it's just that the closest MLS team for me is the New England Revolution. And they play in Foxboro. And it's just too big to feel the sort of community I felt last night. The vastness of Gillette Stadium makes it hard to really become part of the experience.

I hope this league sticks around. For the great image these women provide for little girls. For the great community professional soccer teams can provide. And selfishly, because the Boston Breakers are a much more accessible soccer team for me to go see. I wouldn't be opposed to making a trip there more often. For $15, why not? Plus they have sangria.

motivation

If you find my writing motivation - let me know. It's been hiding out lately. My latest theory is that it has taken off and is touring the universe with a towel and traveling companion named Trillian.

On the other side of that proverbial coin, I find myself unusually productive in household endeavors. There's something about spring that makes me want to clean and re-do everything. This year I had a bit of a bump in that. My dad wanted a new room and I needed to re-organize the house.

The big stuff is all done. I have the furniture moved. The books re-located (ALL OF THEM). And for the most part everything is liveable.

There are things I need to address. Such as making the office/den/me space look like me. I need to decorate. Which I enjoy and hate at the same time. How you decorate says so much about you. Just as what you wear on a particular day indicates your mood. What do I do on the blank canvass of my walls? I'm not crazy about the color, but did not have the time nor desire to go through painting or picking a color at this moment. So, how do I cover the color up?

The big stuff I was motivated to do. This part - the decorating. The making it look pretty - not so much. My decorating motivation has joined my writing motivation and hopefully when they return, they will have great stories to tell and design inspiration to share.

I need to take my motivation as it comes. I am clearing out the closets in the empty rooms. I am turning one of the empty rooms into a guest room. A place people can visit and sleep while visiting that is welcoming, fun and adorable. There's a kid theme - because right now most of my guests are 12 and under (my nieces and nephew) with an appreciation for polka dots, Harry Potter, and elephants. The other one I want to be a crafty fun room that can double as a spare bedroom when the need arises. I'd like to set up my sewing machine, store all my yarn and fabric, knitting and sewing books and be functional.

The plans I have. Now I just need to put it all into action.

Of course, I am today exhausted. And I want to just spend the day sitting on my couch and reading a book.

But I will make myself do one productive thing before that luxuriousness.