Happy Christmas!

Hi Mom,

Merry Christmas! I miss you. I think that's it. I've been really a mess the past week - at least inside my head. I started crying during Elf!

I thought it would be easier this year. I really did. I thought that once we got through the first Christmas, the next one would be easier. It's just as hard. I think it might be harder. Last year I worked so hard to make it perfect. I wanted to relish in your memory and make it the greatest Christmas. You loved Christmas. Didn't you? Christmas Eve was your holiday. I wanted to keep that spirit and that memory alive. And maybe I broke down while watching some sappy chick flick on HBO, but I still made it through. I had the energy.

This year, though. This year I just want to curl up in a ball and pretend none of this is happening. I have so much to do today. And I don't want to do it any of it. All I can think about is how much I miss you. How much I just want you to be here and give me a hug. To tell me I'm doing okay and everything will be fine.

Everything seems wrong lately. But I thought about it - while listening to the Glee soundtrack and suddenly getting sad because you'd adore that show - I think I'm so frustrated because of you. I think it's you making me realize how much better I am than the job I'm in. It's you that made me pull the sewing machine out. It's you giving me the creativity to play with gluten free recipes. It's you that made me finally speak up for how unhappy I am at work. It's you making me reach out to family I have not talked to in years. (I have to ask though - is it you that keeps helping me do silly things like that time I tripped walking into a meeting? Because, well it's a little uncomfortable, but also hilarious. So thanks?)

I don't yet know how to make everything not wrong. I wish I could snap my fingers and make everything better. I wish it didn't hurt so much whenever I remember that you are not here. I get so scared that I'll forget you.

Let's make a deal - you keep reminding me to figure out how to make things right and not wallow in how wrong everything is and I'll get up and clean and make sure this is a great Christmas.

Okay.

Thanks. I miss you mom. I miss you everyday. I love you. I hope you know that.

Merry Christmas!

Love, Me.

This Saturday NIght

My Christmas shopping is sort of on it's way. I'm not horribly behind. But I feel disorganized. I'm not shopping tonight. Instead, I'm attempting to record Led Zeppelin's Coda album onto my computer from the original vinyl.

It's an interesting process. I'm not entirely sure how this is going. But if it works, I'll give it to my brother for his birthday tomorrow.

But here's what my Saturday night looks like.

Fancy this - a post

It's been some time. I am not entirely sure what I have to write about this morning. I've been working on getting my Christmas gifts all figured out and also figure myself out.

It's been an educational few weeks. A few months back I decided it was time to throw myself into trying to date again. I'm not whole heartedly into it. But I am so scared of it that I think I need to do it in order to overcome the terrifying feeling of talking to a strange guy. And I'm learning that I might be projecting an incredibly guarded image that is turning away those I'm attracted to. And I tend to attract people who I don't feel compatible with.

I realized after an unfortunate movie date (movie was great) that while I was happy to have the second date and go through that experience. That's all it was. Just another experience to check off and move forward. I had no interest in this person. Everything he said or expressed grated on me. I could have maybe given him more time, but I played sick and left. I just could not stand being around someone with a world view so divergent from me. I am not looking for someone who is exactly like me, but I wouldn't mind someone who at least viewed the world in a similar way. I have always had this belief that I can make an impact in this world and make it better (hence my decision to work in public interest law.) This guy had given up. And that to me is sad. He says he's a very happy person because he has such few expectations that when things go well, he's really happy. But that's not me. I like the feeling of anticipation and hope and even when I am occasionally crushed in defeat - it's so fun to have tried.

I realized that I need to live the way I want to live. I can't live afraid or nervous or focused on the negative. It took this non-important event to make me realize that I need to change that. I need to really remember what it is I enjoy about life. And be the genuinely happy person I want to be. And I think I am. I need to start projecting that.

I'll deal with any post date aftermath as it comes. I am a little worried at the fact that his work brings him to my place of work occasionally. But hopefully he got a clue yesterday and if not, I'll just have to be honest.

Or get a new job. Which is actually not a bad idea since I am so anti my current job right now.

But that's that. From this moment on, I choose to embrace happiness. At least keep telling myself that I can be happy and I can keep dreaming to make things better.

And a picture - I saw Rent a few weeks back. And I think that a picture of when I saw that show is probably fitting for a post about hope and living each day.