Fancy this - a post

It's been some time. I am not entirely sure what I have to write about this morning. I've been working on getting my Christmas gifts all figured out and also figure myself out.

It's been an educational few weeks. A few months back I decided it was time to throw myself into trying to date again. I'm not whole heartedly into it. But I am so scared of it that I think I need to do it in order to overcome the terrifying feeling of talking to a strange guy. And I'm learning that I might be projecting an incredibly guarded image that is turning away those I'm attracted to. And I tend to attract people who I don't feel compatible with.

I realized after an unfortunate movie date (movie was great) that while I was happy to have the second date and go through that experience. That's all it was. Just another experience to check off and move forward. I had no interest in this person. Everything he said or expressed grated on me. I could have maybe given him more time, but I played sick and left. I just could not stand being around someone with a world view so divergent from me. I am not looking for someone who is exactly like me, but I wouldn't mind someone who at least viewed the world in a similar way. I have always had this belief that I can make an impact in this world and make it better (hence my decision to work in public interest law.) This guy had given up. And that to me is sad. He says he's a very happy person because he has such few expectations that when things go well, he's really happy. But that's not me. I like the feeling of anticipation and hope and even when I am occasionally crushed in defeat - it's so fun to have tried.

I realized that I need to live the way I want to live. I can't live afraid or nervous or focused on the negative. It took this non-important event to make me realize that I need to change that. I need to really remember what it is I enjoy about life. And be the genuinely happy person I want to be. And I think I am. I need to start projecting that.

I'll deal with any post date aftermath as it comes. I am a little worried at the fact that his work brings him to my place of work occasionally. But hopefully he got a clue yesterday and if not, I'll just have to be honest.

Or get a new job. Which is actually not a bad idea since I am so anti my current job right now.

But that's that. From this moment on, I choose to embrace happiness. At least keep telling myself that I can be happy and I can keep dreaming to make things better.

And a picture - I saw Rent a few weeks back. And I think that a picture of when I saw that show is probably fitting for a post about hope and living each day.