Sooo exhausted....

When I was diagnosed with celiac disease, I had all these hopes with the diagnosis.

There was this answer to all of the strange health issues I seem to have. The fact that I felt old all the time. Or that I could not ever get over being exhausted. Or the fact that I space out quite easily. Things that should not otherwise be happening to a normal and healthy 30 (now 31) year old. I was downright hopeful. It would be hard, sure, but it was an answer.

But I'm feeling like crap. All the damn time. And it's beginning to make me angry. I mean, wasn't giving up gluten supposed to make me not feel gross? Why hasn't my neverending joint pain gone away? Why am I still not feeling all that great?

After talking about this the other day, a very kind friend tried to give me an easy out saying that I have had a crappy time the past few months and it's probably just wearing on me. But that doesn't feel right. Maybe it's just allergies. Maybe I am just nursing my grief and depression in a very physical form. Maybe I will "snap out of it" when that magical year comes to an end. But why does it feel an awful lot like it felt before I was diagnosed with celiac disease?

When I was told celiac, I was relieved. In my life, medical problems didn't have "easy" answers. And celiac had such a simple answer. It would be hard to live gluten free, but it also had a solution. I want a new solution. I'm taking suggestions. Anything really? I know that the smart thing to do is to go see someone and try to figure it out. But, I also feel a little bit crazy. Like I'm just whining about general things. Nothing really specific.

Anyway, I just had another piece of an awesome gluten free lasagna my dad made last week. I was going to make it, but he was bored. It was pretty darn tasty. And would have been tastier had I actually heated it up properly.

and so it is

I'm in a tizzy. I get easily frustrated and feel the need for massive change to happen somewhere in my life.

As is often the case in these moments, I chopped off my hair. I'm a good five to six inches lighter and love it. It still has the feel of longer hair, but none of the annoying and irksome weight.

But that was last week. What can I change this week?

I'm trying to convince myself that I am a morning person and I am hoping to get up everyday at 6:15 to go for a run (or walk, depnding). I'm even hoping to gradually work in the occassional writing session. That is one change.

I need to re-arrange all the furniture in my house this weekend. My dad has changed his mind about his sleeping arrangements and I've figured out how to make it all happen. So that's this weekend's change. I'll be sleeping in a new bedroom.

There are a couple other areas I need to work on changing. Such as work. And my outlook.

I've been really negative lately. I'm hoping the morning routine might help there. I'm hoping that by starting off positive, I can carry that threw my day. I really want to run again. There's something so satisfying about your feet pounding on pavement to work out aggression and all those otehr emotions. And the physical benefits are awesome as well.

That's kind of where I am right now. I'm not loving where I'm at. But it's not the worst place.

Fortunately there's chocolate to make it all just a little bit better.

The only way to end a crappy day ...

No not a nice long run. Or a bottle of wine. Or a nice comforting bath. Or a favorite meal.

But by going to see To Kill A Mockingbird and running into Team Paul.

First things first - today sucked. I had my annual gyn appointment. I am not a good patient. I get nervous easily. And tense up. These are things that do not make a gyn appointment go smoothly. So it was horrible. I will spare the details But I hated it. And it sort of soured the day.

Secondly, work is in a weird phase. It's something I don't really want to get into too much here because I can't. But I'm starting to worry about the future. My future. Which is making me do A LOT of thinking. About my future. About what I'm doing. About what I want to do. About why it is I am doing what I am doing. And that's not fun.

Thirdly, To Kill A Mockingbird was awesome. Matthew Modine was incredible as Atticus and I remembered how much I absolutely loved that book as a kid and as a teen. I read it every few years. I'd love to say that because of that book I became a lawyer. It's not. But it did inspire me to work on my own writing as a kid. And I was obsessed with Jem and Scout. I thought Jem was a super awesome big brother. And my guitar is named Scout.

And Lastly, sitting two rows down and about three seats to the left was Team Paul and his partner. I spent the show hiding my face behind my program. Jess was completely entertained. But, I was terrified of what I might say or do. In my chick flick version of life I would run into him or spill a drink on myself or spill a drink on him or hit on his partner or say something really embarrassing out loud. In real life, I waited until after the show and walked out to the aisle and smiled. Said hello. Met his partner. Introduced Jess. And walked out. Oh and also in real life he is behind me in the parking garage where Jess and I laughed out loud about the coincidence of meeting into him there. And I jumped up and down about something.

Yeah. Somehow despite the mortification this was the best way to end this horrible day.

i am awesome at the texting

I have been horrible at keeping this site updated. I had all these lofty ambitions when I transitioned to this site - but clearly they have not been fulfilled.

In my defense, I was insane at work. To the point where I would come home and just collapse on my couch to allow my brain time to melt. Then my home was invaded. And then I went away. And then I came back and my home was still invaded. And now I'm just tired and trying to smartly combat a sinus infection by not staying up too late. Clearly that is not working since it's 11:30 and I'm writing this here blog.

But I felt the need to explain my absence. To all of you. The one or two readers of this journal.

Highlights of my recent life include being part of a successful conversational exchange with Team Paul and realizing that I text way too much. I foolishly did not sign up for unlimited texting back when I got my iPhone. It was only five dollars more, but I resisted. And I paid for it. A lot. So now I have unlimited text messaging. And well, the minute details of my life will continue to be communicated via text. Examples of my texting prowess:

From last Weds night (watching US v. Trinidad and Tobago)
JP: Jozy is starting!!!!!!!
me: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
JP: Boca hot.
me: On my way home to ogle my future bf.
JP: My man back in goal
me: mmmmmm
me: So you know I won't be able to watch Lost tonight?
JP: Oh no :(
me: Yep. How soon is it up online?
me: Clint cut his hair.
JP. After west coast airing at least. I don't know if it waits for Alaska and Aawaii.
JP: I texted that update to you last week about clint :)
me: My niece says Tim Howard is very angry. Pretty Boca. Maybe I'll watch before going to bed.
me: Can we key Alexi's car?
JP: I'll see what we can do
me: Awesome. Boca hot!
JP: That US soccer commercial is catchy. Tell ur niece that Timmy is the hotness.
me: She says he's an angry dude.
JP: Sometimes angry dudes are hot. We should be us soccer groupies.
me: Ok.
JP: I just somehow switched to fsc which had North Korea-South Korea opening the second half. blew. my. mind.
me: Boca...
me: Explain to me my infatuation with Dempsey.
JP: the rap song.
me: Don't tread on me. Also for a moment I had Donovan awe.
JP: Landy is a good passer.
me: he needs to not be used as a striker.
JP: Right. his cross to Jozy was great. Problem is outside of Jozy no good strikers. Ching not good. I think Landy is in mid tonight.
me: They really want Ching to be the heir to McBride. But he's not there. Where's Adu?
JP: not sure.
me: Curious
JP: Looooooooove Jozy.
me: Yes. I hope he moves to a good team where he can get regular playing time. This is a good Lando game.
JP: I'd like to go to a World Cup qualifier.
me: It's a fun time.
me: Dempsey is not having a good game.
JP: JP Dellacamera's fav line is "Running like the game just started." It's one of my top quotes on Facebook he used so much during women's World Cup.
me: Torres is tiny!
JP: Donovan! Jozy!
me: Bradley!!!!!!!!!!
JP: Not sure he was onside :) but Bradley! Voldemort must be so proud.
me: Shhhhh. I'm also a big Sasha fan.
JP: I don't know who Sasha is....
me: He came on for Clint. Boca... Why are they not trading shirts????
JP: They are being cruel.

From Sunday Morning (while watching Tomb Raider)
me: In case I don't say it enough Daniel Craig=hot
Jess: Good to know. Hows the movie?
me: Meh.
Jess: That was my fear and thus why it remains low on my list.
me: I need to go to the mall at some point. But instead I've been untangling yarn.
Jess: Well, the yarn won't untangle itself.


From Monday morning (while working mind you)
me: Door is shut. I'm in a windowless box.
Jess: But sometimes that is necessary. Just don't light a candle.
me: No candles anywhere.
Jess: I feel like there should be a Rent reference here somewhere.
me: I know the feeling. Would you please NOT light my candle?
Jess: That was my last match??
me: What you do to my candle?
Jess: Thank God for the moon.
me: I think Spike Lee's filming down the street.
Jess: Cold hands.
me: Wanna dance
Jess: With me??
me: No with my father.
Jess: I'm Roger.
me: They call me mimi.
Jess: And then she steals the stash from his pocket.
me: And scene!


Why I ever thought I wouldn't need unlimited texting is beyond me?