Wednesday, January 27, 2010
I drank the Kool Aid yet again.
I just watched the State of the Union address. Obama's first. After ogling the beautiful outfit Michelle Obama had on. And laughing at the ceremony. The handshaking. The standing. The sitting. The clapping. The posturing. The weird camera shots.
But once it was over. I realized I was energized again.
I remember election night in 2008. I cried. My dad and I sat together in the living room glued to the television mesmerized. My dad kept saying "I can't believe it." My friend called me from the park in Chicago screaming. And I sobbed. It had been less than a month since my mom died and somehow Obama becoming President meant that everything was going to be okay. I have no idea how that worked out in my head. My mother was not a political person. Obama did not know my mom. But somehow these things were related.
But after a few months I started to get worried. Things weren't going so well for President Obama. They still aren't. In all fairness he inherited a whole mess of problems. Probably some of the worst I've ever seen. I can't fathom what he's going to do to make it any better.
Tonight, though, despite the naysayers. Despite the negativity. Despite all of the hesitation. Despite the election of a Republican to Ted Kennedy's seat. Despite all of that - I feel excited again.
It can happen. It can be better. And it will be better.
"We don't quit. I don't quit. Let's seize this moment -- to start anew, to carry the dream forward, and to strengthen our union once more."
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
being sick sucks
I'm sick. And that makes me ornery and irritable and generally a bitch.
I'm sorry to everyone I've made suffer through irritability and bitchiness. Of course, if you would just do things the right way (ie my way) there would be no problem.
Being sick in addition to all the other frustrations in my life just amplifies everything. I'm horribly unhappy at work. So unhappy. My boss's voice irks me. My staff makes me want to pull out my hair and yell. And when the mail comes I want to throw it against the wall. Followed by my stapler and computer.
Other areas in my life are not so hot. Really, just the one. And if you know me at all, you know what it is. And I did finally realize what I need to do to deal with that. And I'm scared and terrified and afraid I'll wuss out at the last minute. But enough people have my back (for lack of a better phrase) that I will go through with this.
Overall, I'm in a pretty good place. Except for the one BIG thing and the work thing. And sadly those two things encompass so much of my life that I forget that overall, I'm pretty happy.
And then I go and get sick.
And I become irritable and bitchy and ornery. Or as my boss called me today 'feisty.' But that was because I disagreed with her. (I was right, though.)
And to add to my orneriness (is that a word?) I read things on the internets. So here's a top 5 list of things that are currently pissing me off.
1. Teabaggers. There is so much fundamentally frustrating about their existence that I can't even really begin to explain. There's the name, the constant reference to September 12, 2001, the self-righteous indignation, the Glenn Beck. Ugh.
2. Pro-Life Superbowl Ads. I ... I mean ... WTF?
3. The NYTimes is apparently more concerned with what reporters are wearing to cover the earthquake in Haiti than covering what was happening in Haiti.
4. Joan Rivers is back on Fashion Police. Okay, my problem with this is basically that this show does little more than body snark women and men. And Joan Rivers snarked on Sophia Loren's plastic surgery in a clip that I saw. I know a lot of people love Joan Rivers. I have always found her insufferable. She bugs me and I don't think her commentary about Christina Hendricks' back fat is all that valuable to our cultural development.
Okay, so my blood pressure went up a bit too much during this list. So I'll keep it at 4.
Now it's time to focus on happy things.
I'm sorry to everyone I've made suffer through irritability and bitchiness. Of course, if you would just do things the right way (ie my way) there would be no problem.
Being sick in addition to all the other frustrations in my life just amplifies everything. I'm horribly unhappy at work. So unhappy. My boss's voice irks me. My staff makes me want to pull out my hair and yell. And when the mail comes I want to throw it against the wall. Followed by my stapler and computer.
Other areas in my life are not so hot. Really, just the one. And if you know me at all, you know what it is. And I did finally realize what I need to do to deal with that. And I'm scared and terrified and afraid I'll wuss out at the last minute. But enough people have my back (for lack of a better phrase) that I will go through with this.
Overall, I'm in a pretty good place. Except for the one BIG thing and the work thing. And sadly those two things encompass so much of my life that I forget that overall, I'm pretty happy.
And then I go and get sick.
And I become irritable and bitchy and ornery. Or as my boss called me today 'feisty.' But that was because I disagreed with her. (I was right, though.)
And to add to my orneriness (is that a word?) I read things on the internets. So here's a top 5 list of things that are currently pissing me off.
1. Teabaggers. There is so much fundamentally frustrating about their existence that I can't even really begin to explain. There's the name, the constant reference to September 12, 2001, the self-righteous indignation, the Glenn Beck. Ugh.
2. Pro-Life Superbowl Ads. I ... I mean ... WTF?
3. The NYTimes is apparently more concerned with what reporters are wearing to cover the earthquake in Haiti than covering what was happening in Haiti.
4. Joan Rivers is back on Fashion Police. Okay, my problem with this is basically that this show does little more than body snark women and men. And Joan Rivers snarked on Sophia Loren's plastic surgery in a clip that I saw. I know a lot of people love Joan Rivers. I have always found her insufferable. She bugs me and I don't think her commentary about Christina Hendricks' back fat is all that valuable to our cultural development.
Okay, so my blood pressure went up a bit too much during this list. So I'll keep it at 4.
Now it's time to focus on happy things.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
The Mean Reds
I re-watched "Breakfast at Tiffany's" this weekend. Holly Golightly refers to the mean reds. Like the blues, but worse. As Holly puts it:
That feeling has overwhelmed me the past couple months. And it always happens at work. Sometimes before I fall asleep at night. But at least twice a week at work. A switch goes off and I'm free-falling. I decided some months ago that I was done taking care of everyone. I was done making sure that everyone was okay first and then me. I needed to pay some attention to myself at this juncture in my life. I do that in my family. I do that with my friends. And I do it at work. And it's tiring. And even more tiring. And I'm so done.
But in the midst of that I'm terrified. I'll find myself sitting at my desk at work suddenly wanting to pick up my cup and throw it against the wall. I want to jump up and yell. I want to tell people to shut. the. fuck. up! There are mornings I contemplate continuing up route 4 and driving into Collinsville. Skipping work and sitting by the river with my camera and a notebook. I want to just go away.
I'm done.
It was especially strong today. As always it turned on for no reason and I didn't know how to calm it down. It just lingered. All day. I had a meeting tonight and it was awful. Not only was it a waste of my time, it just made me feel less than a person. I felt belittled. I felt useless. And I was full of so much anger. So much anger.
As I fumed and swore and drove around to quiet my anger before driving home I decided to stop at a gas station for a cup of coffee. I walked inside and ran into someone I have not seen in nearly three years. For the sake of what followed, I'll just call him Todd.
Todd and I had known each other for a long time. I think we may have even loved each other. But I was in a bad place. As I was for most of my 20s. I couldn't focus on him or on anyone else in the way he probably deserved. So he left. Did he break my heart? No. Did I break his? Probably not. It was never at that level. But maybe it should have been.
In a lot of ways, Todd is who I still look for. The way he made me laugh. The way he challenged me. Who I was when I was with him. I miss that person. I really liked who Todd saw me as.
Running into him at a gas station in Guilford (or whatever town that stop is in) was probably the best thing that could happen for me tonight. It was like we never missed a beat. He gave me his smile. I smiled back. We hugged. I bought my coffee. And we sat in my car catching up. I stared at him for a few minutes. I was surprised how different he looked and yet he was completely the same. I thought back to our last few conversations before he moved away. Things were said. Things were done. But I don't regret them. I know he doesn't. And here we sat tonight talking like we had never been apart.
He told me about his new life out west (he was visiting family and flying back tomorrow). I told him about my life here. And I yelled about the meeting.
His response "Get over it."
From anyone else that would have made me mad. From Todd, I knew it was right. Todd just said, the anger gets you no where. Only madder. It's energy not well spent. He quoted Todd Snider. "Life's too short to hate."
And it's true.
The Mean Reds are going to hit me. I'm going to suffer through them. It's part of who I am. It's part of where I am in this life. But I can't spend so much time with my anger. Getting angry at work is getting me no where and it's turning me into someone I do not want to be. Seeing Todd tonight reminded me of that. I don't want to be angry. I don't want to be bitter.
It may be another three years before I see Todd. The emotions tonight were all over the place. I'll be processing those for a while. I remembered just how much I missed him. But more than missing Todd, I really miss who I was when he was around me. I was a better version of me. So much has happened in three years and in many ways my life stopped for a year. I stopped. But it's all coming back to me at an obscenely fast pace. And I'm ready to go again.
Will I never get angry at work again? Probably not. But I'll try real hard to remember how useless it is. And Get Over It. Because Life is too short to hate. The full quote from Todd Snider:
"No. The blues are because you're getting fat and maybe it's been raining too long, you're just sad that's all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you're afraid and you don't know what you're afraid of. Do you ever get that feeling? "
That feeling has overwhelmed me the past couple months. And it always happens at work. Sometimes before I fall asleep at night. But at least twice a week at work. A switch goes off and I'm free-falling. I decided some months ago that I was done taking care of everyone. I was done making sure that everyone was okay first and then me. I needed to pay some attention to myself at this juncture in my life. I do that in my family. I do that with my friends. And I do it at work. And it's tiring. And even more tiring. And I'm so done.
But in the midst of that I'm terrified. I'll find myself sitting at my desk at work suddenly wanting to pick up my cup and throw it against the wall. I want to jump up and yell. I want to tell people to shut. the. fuck. up! There are mornings I contemplate continuing up route 4 and driving into Collinsville. Skipping work and sitting by the river with my camera and a notebook. I want to just go away.
I'm done.
And when I realize how done I am, I get terrified and cold and don't quite know what I'm terrified of exactly. The Mean Reds.
It was especially strong today. As always it turned on for no reason and I didn't know how to calm it down. It just lingered. All day. I had a meeting tonight and it was awful. Not only was it a waste of my time, it just made me feel less than a person. I felt belittled. I felt useless. And I was full of so much anger. So much anger.
As I fumed and swore and drove around to quiet my anger before driving home I decided to stop at a gas station for a cup of coffee. I walked inside and ran into someone I have not seen in nearly three years. For the sake of what followed, I'll just call him Todd.
Todd and I had known each other for a long time. I think we may have even loved each other. But I was in a bad place. As I was for most of my 20s. I couldn't focus on him or on anyone else in the way he probably deserved. So he left. Did he break my heart? No. Did I break his? Probably not. It was never at that level. But maybe it should have been.
In a lot of ways, Todd is who I still look for. The way he made me laugh. The way he challenged me. Who I was when I was with him. I miss that person. I really liked who Todd saw me as.
Running into him at a gas station in Guilford (or whatever town that stop is in) was probably the best thing that could happen for me tonight. It was like we never missed a beat. He gave me his smile. I smiled back. We hugged. I bought my coffee. And we sat in my car catching up. I stared at him for a few minutes. I was surprised how different he looked and yet he was completely the same. I thought back to our last few conversations before he moved away. Things were said. Things were done. But I don't regret them. I know he doesn't. And here we sat tonight talking like we had never been apart.
He told me about his new life out west (he was visiting family and flying back tomorrow). I told him about my life here. And I yelled about the meeting.
His response "Get over it."
From anyone else that would have made me mad. From Todd, I knew it was right. Todd just said, the anger gets you no where. Only madder. It's energy not well spent. He quoted Todd Snider. "Life's too short to hate."
And it's true.
The Mean Reds are going to hit me. I'm going to suffer through them. It's part of who I am. It's part of where I am in this life. But I can't spend so much time with my anger. Getting angry at work is getting me no where and it's turning me into someone I do not want to be. Seeing Todd tonight reminded me of that. I don't want to be angry. I don't want to be bitter.
It may be another three years before I see Todd. The emotions tonight were all over the place. I'll be processing those for a while. I remembered just how much I missed him. But more than missing Todd, I really miss who I was when he was around me. I was a better version of me. So much has happened in three years and in many ways my life stopped for a year. I stopped. But it's all coming back to me at an obscenely fast pace. And I'm ready to go again.
Will I never get angry at work again? Probably not. But I'll try real hard to remember how useless it is. And Get Over It. Because Life is too short to hate. The full quote from Todd Snider:
She said life's too short to worry
Life's too long to wait
Too short not to love everybody
Life's too long to hate
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Happy Christmas!
Hi Mom,
Merry Christmas! I miss you. I think that's it. I've been really a mess the past week - at least inside my head. I started crying during Elf!
I thought it would be easier this year. I really did. I thought that once we got through the first Christmas, the next one would be easier. It's just as hard. I think it might be harder. Last year I worked so hard to make it perfect. I wanted to relish in your memory and make it the greatest Christmas. You loved Christmas. Didn't you? Christmas Eve was your holiday. I wanted to keep that spirit and that memory alive. And maybe I broke down while watching some sappy chick flick on HBO, but I still made it through. I had the energy.
This year, though. This year I just want to curl up in a ball and pretend none of this is happening. I have so much to do today. And I don't want to do it any of it. All I can think about is how much I miss you. How much I just want you to be here and give me a hug. To tell me I'm doing okay and everything will be fine.
Everything seems wrong lately. But I thought about it - while listening to the Glee soundtrack and suddenly getting sad because you'd adore that show - I think I'm so frustrated because of you. I think it's you making me realize how much better I am than the job I'm in. It's you that made me pull the sewing machine out. It's you giving me the creativity to play with gluten free recipes. It's you that made me finally speak up for how unhappy I am at work. It's you making me reach out to family I have not talked to in years. (I have to ask though - is it you that keeps helping me do silly things like that time I tripped walking into a meeting? Because, well it's a little uncomfortable, but also hilarious. So thanks?)
I don't yet know how to make everything not wrong. I wish I could snap my fingers and make everything better. I wish it didn't hurt so much whenever I remember that you are not here. I get so scared that I'll forget you.
Let's make a deal - you keep reminding me to figure out how to make things right and not wallow in how wrong everything is and I'll get up and clean and make sure this is a great Christmas.
Okay.
Thanks. I miss you mom. I miss you everyday. I love you. I hope you know that.
Merry Christmas!
Love, Me.
Merry Christmas! I miss you. I think that's it. I've been really a mess the past week - at least inside my head. I started crying during Elf!
I thought it would be easier this year. I really did. I thought that once we got through the first Christmas, the next one would be easier. It's just as hard. I think it might be harder. Last year I worked so hard to make it perfect. I wanted to relish in your memory and make it the greatest Christmas. You loved Christmas. Didn't you? Christmas Eve was your holiday. I wanted to keep that spirit and that memory alive. And maybe I broke down while watching some sappy chick flick on HBO, but I still made it through. I had the energy.
This year, though. This year I just want to curl up in a ball and pretend none of this is happening. I have so much to do today. And I don't want to do it any of it. All I can think about is how much I miss you. How much I just want you to be here and give me a hug. To tell me I'm doing okay and everything will be fine.
Everything seems wrong lately. But I thought about it - while listening to the Glee soundtrack and suddenly getting sad because you'd adore that show - I think I'm so frustrated because of you. I think it's you making me realize how much better I am than the job I'm in. It's you that made me pull the sewing machine out. It's you giving me the creativity to play with gluten free recipes. It's you that made me finally speak up for how unhappy I am at work. It's you making me reach out to family I have not talked to in years. (I have to ask though - is it you that keeps helping me do silly things like that time I tripped walking into a meeting? Because, well it's a little uncomfortable, but also hilarious. So thanks?)
I don't yet know how to make everything not wrong. I wish I could snap my fingers and make everything better. I wish it didn't hurt so much whenever I remember that you are not here. I get so scared that I'll forget you.
Let's make a deal - you keep reminding me to figure out how to make things right and not wallow in how wrong everything is and I'll get up and clean and make sure this is a great Christmas.
Okay.
Thanks. I miss you mom. I miss you everyday. I love you. I hope you know that.
Merry Christmas!
Love, Me.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
This Saturday NIght
My Christmas shopping is sort of on it's way. I'm not horribly behind. But I feel disorganized. I'm not shopping tonight. Instead, I'm attempting to record Led Zeppelin's Coda album onto my computer from the original vinyl.
It's an interesting process. I'm not entirely sure how this is going. But if it works, I'll give it to my brother for his birthday tomorrow.
But here's what my Saturday night looks like.
It's an interesting process. I'm not entirely sure how this is going. But if it works, I'll give it to my brother for his birthday tomorrow.
But here's what my Saturday night looks like.
Sunday, December 06, 2009
Fancy this - a post
It's been some time. I am not entirely sure what I have to write about this morning. I've been working on getting my Christmas gifts all figured out and also figure myself out.
It's been an educational few weeks. A few months back I decided it was time to throw myself into trying to date again. I'm not whole heartedly into it. But I am so scared of it that I think I need to do it in order to overcome the terrifying feeling of talking to a strange guy. And I'm learning that I might be projecting an incredibly guarded image that is turning away those I'm attracted to. And I tend to attract people who I don't feel compatible with.
I realized after an unfortunate movie date (movie was great) that while I was happy to have the second date and go through that experience. That's all it was. Just another experience to check off and move forward. I had no interest in this person. Everything he said or expressed grated on me. I could have maybe given him more time, but I played sick and left. I just could not stand being around someone with a world view so divergent from me. I am not looking for someone who is exactly like me, but I wouldn't mind someone who at least viewed the world in a similar way. I have always had this belief that I can make an impact in this world and make it better (hence my decision to work in public interest law.) This guy had given up. And that to me is sad. He says he's a very happy person because he has such few expectations that when things go well, he's really happy. But that's not me. I like the feeling of anticipation and hope and even when I am occasionally crushed in defeat - it's so fun to have tried.
I realized that I need to live the way I want to live. I can't live afraid or nervous or focused on the negative. It took this non-important event to make me realize that I need to change that. I need to really remember what it is I enjoy about life. And be the genuinely happy person I want to be. And I think I am. I need to start projecting that.
I'll deal with any post date aftermath as it comes. I am a little worried at the fact that his work brings him to my place of work occasionally. But hopefully he got a clue yesterday and if not, I'll just have to be honest.
Or get a new job. Which is actually not a bad idea since I am so anti my current job right now.
But that's that. From this moment on, I choose to embrace happiness. At least keep telling myself that I can be happy and I can keep dreaming to make things better.
And a picture - I saw Rent a few weeks back. And I think that a picture of when I saw that show is probably fitting for a post about hope and living each day.
It's been an educational few weeks. A few months back I decided it was time to throw myself into trying to date again. I'm not whole heartedly into it. But I am so scared of it that I think I need to do it in order to overcome the terrifying feeling of talking to a strange guy. And I'm learning that I might be projecting an incredibly guarded image that is turning away those I'm attracted to. And I tend to attract people who I don't feel compatible with.
I realized after an unfortunate movie date (movie was great) that while I was happy to have the second date and go through that experience. That's all it was. Just another experience to check off and move forward. I had no interest in this person. Everything he said or expressed grated on me. I could have maybe given him more time, but I played sick and left. I just could not stand being around someone with a world view so divergent from me. I am not looking for someone who is exactly like me, but I wouldn't mind someone who at least viewed the world in a similar way. I have always had this belief that I can make an impact in this world and make it better (hence my decision to work in public interest law.) This guy had given up. And that to me is sad. He says he's a very happy person because he has such few expectations that when things go well, he's really happy. But that's not me. I like the feeling of anticipation and hope and even when I am occasionally crushed in defeat - it's so fun to have tried.
I realized that I need to live the way I want to live. I can't live afraid or nervous or focused on the negative. It took this non-important event to make me realize that I need to change that. I need to really remember what it is I enjoy about life. And be the genuinely happy person I want to be. And I think I am. I need to start projecting that.
I'll deal with any post date aftermath as it comes. I am a little worried at the fact that his work brings him to my place of work occasionally. But hopefully he got a clue yesterday and if not, I'll just have to be honest.
Or get a new job. Which is actually not a bad idea since I am so anti my current job right now.
But that's that. From this moment on, I choose to embrace happiness. At least keep telling myself that I can be happy and I can keep dreaming to make things better.
And a picture - I saw Rent a few weeks back. And I think that a picture of when I saw that show is probably fitting for a post about hope and living each day.
Monday, November 23, 2009
and the slacker rears her head
I am a slacker right now. I was very not all there last week. And I'm trying to re-focus my energies. This time of year is chaos for me (as well as the rest of the universe.) I am determined to bring back my creative energies and get some projects done around the house.
I'm also determined to not be shopping everyday of December. I think I have a few gift ideas planned and I need to just carry them out. Magazine subscriptions for the youngsters, perhaps a couple day trips here and there, and the knitting. Oh good god, the knitting... I have decided to call it the month of knitting dangerously - you can follow along here.
I'm already behind.
This weekend though, I went with my dad to a 50th Wedding Anniversary. And if anything could make this cynical girl shed a tear - it was listening to the groom announce his neverending love for his bride. As he put it "we're still riding in that car." Beautiful. My dad had a tough time working up the strength to go to this shinding. He did NOTHING for a few days. But this is him looking dapper in poor lighting. The photo was taken with my iPhone. So forgive me!!!
I'm also determined to not be shopping everyday of December. I think I have a few gift ideas planned and I need to just carry them out. Magazine subscriptions for the youngsters, perhaps a couple day trips here and there, and the knitting. Oh good god, the knitting... I have decided to call it the month of knitting dangerously - you can follow along here.
I'm already behind.
This weekend though, I went with my dad to a 50th Wedding Anniversary. And if anything could make this cynical girl shed a tear - it was listening to the groom announce his neverending love for his bride. As he put it "we're still riding in that car." Beautiful. My dad had a tough time working up the strength to go to this shinding. He did NOTHING for a few days. But this is him looking dapper in poor lighting. The photo was taken with my iPhone. So forgive me!!!
Then on Sunday, I saw Rent. With Jess. She's quoting a lot again. As am I. I'm also waking up with such questions as did Benny actually love Mimi or was it all about power? And why am I such a Mark with a dash of Roger thrown in? But who would I want to be? Probably Angel.
But, then those heels really would not work well with my plantar fascitis issues...
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Sunday, November 15, 2009
oops -
I forgot to post pictures that past few days. I have taken some - but they aren't the greatest. I'm sort of at a loss for words right now so I will leave you with a shot of what is likely the last yellow rose of the year.
and my niece Anna jumping rope in the magic hour of outdoor light...
And lastly - a great book for everyone to read. It's Awesome.
and my niece Anna jumping rope in the magic hour of outdoor light...
And lastly - a great book for everyone to read. It's Awesome.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
birthday "mehs"
today is my birthday. i turn the ripe old age of 32. actually i really have no problem with the age. i personally think it's a great time to be in my thirties and that, well, my twenties were a ridiculous time with lots of personal issues and my thirties started out a little shaky - but seriously it can only get better. right?
but, today i went into new york city with my little cousin - who is well not so little, she's going to be 21 in just a couple weeks. we had no agenda except to maybe check out the TKTS booth for what was half price and grab me a gluten free cupcake at Babycakes NYC. we ended up saying no to a show since the weather was great for just walking and wandering and i DID have my camera with me. so that's what we did.
it was a good day. i got my gluten free cupcake (mocha - soooooo good) and i played with my camera and left the city very calm and relaxed. really - a good birthday.
but, it's just a weird day. it doesn't feel like my birthday. my dad is slightly ornery. my brothers are unable to commit to a day to have cake together. and i don't really want to make a big deal. but now i'm having dinner at one house on one night and another house on another. which is fine. i do want to make everyone happy - but at the same time... it's my damn birthday. make me happy! i know that at times i have ridiculous expectations. and i'm trying to breathe in, breathe out and let it all go. and have faith the universe will look out for me.
because, well, i'm done. i'm done with getting upset because it feels like everything is too difficult. i'm done with being sad that things don't work out the way envisioned.
so, my intention for this 33rd year of life is to have faith in the universe and accept that sometimes, things are what they are. and they work out the way they are meant to be. it's not easy for me to do. i do not live that way. i can sometimes be a cynical bastard that views her personal life negatively and assumes it won't work out. but that takes a lot of energy and i need my energy for important things - like taking pictures, seeking out live music, knitting, obsessively listening to west side story and rent, and reading all the damn books in my bookshelf. so, i don't have a drink in my hand, but if i did - i would raise it to this resolve. here goes nothing...
OH and some pictures...
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
affirm this
i took an online course on building dreams called mondo beyondo. i highly highly HIGHLY recommend it.
it doesn't do much. it doesn't lead to everlasting change. but it puts your fears out there. and for me, it taught me to trust in the universe a bit more. i tend to shrink away from the universe and view all things as negative. and i still do that. five weeks won't change that. but, i have been whispering affirmations to myself a bit more. things like "i can trust my open heart" and "forget regret" and "this dream will carry you".
i'm not entirely sure what my dreams are at all times, but i have found myself being more vocal and taking more chances in these few weeks. and hopefully these chances will lead to bigger things. even something as simple as posting a picture a day for a month or so. it's forcing me to use my creative energies in ways i didn't quite do before.
Sunday, November 08, 2009
pretty pictures
I took this yesterday while I set myself up in a little home based photo clinic. I thought it was a good day to play with f-stops.
I also spent the evening at the CT Roller Girls last bout of the season. Now that. That is fun. So much fun. If I wasn't chicken shit and if I knew how to skate - perhaps I would consider trying out. But I want to go see another bout. I hate that the season is over.
And this morning I watched some soccer - I know shocking. But this time it was my 6 year old niece's soccer clinic. It was a bunch of little girls running around and it was fantastic. Truly wonderful. No elbows were thrown. And no one was injured. Makes me want to join a women's league.
Friday, November 06, 2009
black crows...
This was what greeted me as I left the house.
That picture would look substantially better if I had my new zoom lens which unfortunately did not arrive until this evening. Here is the inaugural picture.
These would be the mums sitting on my front porch. Up super close.
Thursday, November 05, 2009
Sunday, November 01, 2009
goodbye october...
i like this picture. the colors. the way it smelled outside when i took it. and the bend. there's so much potential. a whole new world might be around the bend.
Saturday, October 31, 2009
my night in tarrytown
i don't know if i'll make a habit of going back to tarrytown often. however, many of my favorite musicians appear to like playing at the music hall, so maybe i will. but for now, my night there will be memorialized by images of hanging witches and ghosts, the question of just how many tarrytowns there are, creepy scarecrows, the need for TWO chinese restaurants and brazilian restaurants, and todd snider.
todd was great to watch. as were the other fine gentleman (bruce robison and robert earl keen). it was my first exposure to either of them. i knew who robert earl keen was because of the song "BEER RUN" but i knew none of his music.
it was a wonderful night. solidified my todd snider fandom. i wish i had discovered the use of words as we walked by him having dinner at the greek restaurant. but i like to think i just opted to not bother him while he was having a delightful dinner with his family and friends.
i'm sticking with that story.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
I love Todd Snider
This is not a surprise to anyone. Least of all me. Most exciting right now is the fact that in less than two weeks I will be seeing the man live. This will be my first time. I am beyond excited. Super excited.
I wish it was already October 30. Thinking about this milestone, I decided to come up with what might be my top 10 favorite Todd Snider songs. I say might because this list could drastically change tomorrow.
So here goes - in no particular order ...
I wish it was already October 30. Thinking about this milestone, I decided to come up with what might be my top 10 favorite Todd Snider songs. I say might because this list could drastically change tomorrow.
So here goes - in no particular order ...
- Doublewide Blues
- The Ballad Of The Devil's Backbone
- Money, Compliments, and Publicity
- Broke
- All That Matters
- Feel Like I'm Falling In Love
- Vinyl Records
- The Devil You Know
- America's Favorite Pasttime
- Happy To Be Here.
Wednesday, October 07, 2009
Has it really been a year?
I call this picture Mermaid mom.My mom died one year ago tomorrow. I honestly don't know how that happened. Where did the year go? What do I have to show for it?
I guess the question is what happens now? I've been waiting for this year to be over. And now it's here and I have no idea what to do.
I feel like I should mark it somehow. But all I do is think about where I was exactly one year ago. Last week I was at a meeting. The entire time I thought about how I was at the same place for a similar meeting. I even parked in almost the same place. Hell, it may have been the exact same parking spot.
On Sunday, I went to my brother's house to have dinner with his in-laws. A year ago, we did the same thing. That night was when everything started.
This whole week has been a mess of "last year at this time." My mom passed away on a Wednesday. That would have technically been today. This whole night people were over. I remember eating chicken and drinking wine. I remember calling the few people I wanted to talk to. I remember sitting on my porch talking to my friend Sara and feeling a little shaky but shocked at how calm I was. I remember sitting on the floor in a corner of the "green room" and talking to my friend Jess. I remember that I had on a red dress. I wore that to the hospital. I thought my mom would like it. She loved the color red. She didn't notice. I believe she had no idea I was there. I haven't worn it since. I remember ripping it off and putting on a t-shirt and jeans for the rest of the night.
I remember everything. The feelings and images are burned in my head. I remember that last hour. I remember the feeling in my body when we had to make a decision. I can still remember the feeling of the nurse's hand on my back when we sat in the room.
I remember it all. But I can't believe it happened. I'm still a little blown away. I still catch my breath at realizing she isn't here.
I am terrified of forgetting her. Or of just remembering the parts that were really bad. She had been sick most of my life. I don't want to just remember that.
Obviously, it's been hard. And I feel like tomorrow has to mean more than just one year. Does it all change? After tomorrow, nothing is new. The new reality is over. It's no longer a matter of "This is the first ______ since my mom died." I've already experienced it. Now what?
I miss that smile.
My mom and I at my niece's softball game last summer.
My mom and I at my niece's softball game last summer.
My mom and I. I think I'm not even one yet. I had massive ringlets at my first birthday.
My parents at Balboa Island.
I love this picture.
My mom and I went up to the Berkshires a few years back for some shopping and lunch. We stopped off in Stockbridge where this picture was taken. We had just had lunch at Alice's Restaurant.
I love this picture.
My mom and I went up to the Berkshires a few years back for some shopping and lunch. We stopped off in Stockbridge where this picture was taken. We had just had lunch at Alice's Restaurant.Sunday, October 04, 2009
the perils of being a soccer fan
I love the sport. I do. I grew up on it. I've already written about why I love it. There's something absolutely magical about going to a match and following a team. I don't think there's anything unique about my feelings. Talk to any fan. Any sport. Any thing, really. A die hard baseball fan will tell you about the joy they encounter while at a game. Regardless of park and teams playing. Talk to a musical theater fanatic and they will tell you about how amazing it is to see a show. Regardless of whether it's on Broadway or in their local high school gym.
That's how I feel about soccer.
But I'm also a fan. I also want my team to do well. I want the boys in light blue of Napoli to make me proud. And do they?
No.
At least not lately.
Today the boys lost to Roma. And is pisses me off. I know I need to not take it personally. These things happen. Teams lose. But this particular concoction of players are individually quite talented. And usually when individually talented players get together some good things can happen, regardless of egos and outsized personalities. (I'm looking at every Brazilian national team ever.) Not so with these guys. I just finished watching the match and it felt like my niece's travel league of 9 year olds were playing Roma. Honestly though, Roma looked like a slightly more organized high school team with a couple good shots on goal and then a tightened up defense.
In other words, this game was not a pretty one.
It also most likely marks the end of Roberto Donadoni as manager for Napoli. If managers were scored on looking amazing in suits - Donadoni would be tops. The guy cuts a fine figure in his exquisitely tailored suit on the side lines. No, really. He's a good looking guy.
But unfortunately, that's not enough. I like the guy. I like his laid back appearance. But something has not been cutting it. Maybe he just lacks the fire. Exhibit A is his experience as National Team coach during Euro 2008. Maybe he's not inspiring his players. I watch a lot of Friday Night Lights and it has taught me all I care to know about American football. And one thing it demonstrates is the power of inspiring coaching. If Coach Taylor was managing Napoli, those boys would be having emotional breakthroughs everyday on the pitch that can only improve their game. Even if Matt Saracen gets benched.
But I digress.
Donadoni is probably out. And maybe that's a good thing. The season is still early. Last year at this time, Napoli was on fire. At one point they were actually in first place. It's time to shake things up. And maybe that shaking involves a coach who can inspire. My dream pick: Robert Mancini.
He also looks good on the pitch in a suit. But I loved his work with Inter. I also remember watching him play with Sampdoria when I was a kid.
On a total side note, I am going to jump on the "BRING CASSANO TO THE NATIONAL TEAM" bandwagon. I'll be secretary. Seriously, the man is inventive in a way that so few players are. Sure, he's got a past of "Attitude problems." He wrote a book talking about how he basically didn't care about what people told him to do when he was younger. But, um, Sampdoria is at the top of the table. And it's because of him. They beat the unbeatable Inter. And it's because of him. And, well, the Italian national team needs some flair and attitude.
You won't get that from smiley Cannavaro or Buffon or any of the other national team mainstays.
But these frustrations, these anxiety inducing mornings, the mood setting experiences for the end of the weekend are what being a soccer fan is about. It's why I signed up. The agony of watching your team struggle and then (ideally, hopefully) win gloriously is why I keep watching. Again, it's not unique to me. It's not unique to this sport. But it's my experience.
And maybe next week I'll be writing about a completely revived Napoli.
Or not.
That's how I feel about soccer.
But I'm also a fan. I also want my team to do well. I want the boys in light blue of Napoli to make me proud. And do they?
No.
At least not lately.
Today the boys lost to Roma. And is pisses me off. I know I need to not take it personally. These things happen. Teams lose. But this particular concoction of players are individually quite talented. And usually when individually talented players get together some good things can happen, regardless of egos and outsized personalities. (I'm looking at every Brazilian national team ever.) Not so with these guys. I just finished watching the match and it felt like my niece's travel league of 9 year olds were playing Roma. Honestly though, Roma looked like a slightly more organized high school team with a couple good shots on goal and then a tightened up defense.
In other words, this game was not a pretty one.
It also most likely marks the end of Roberto Donadoni as manager for Napoli. If managers were scored on looking amazing in suits - Donadoni would be tops. The guy cuts a fine figure in his exquisitely tailored suit on the side lines. No, really. He's a good looking guy.
But unfortunately, that's not enough. I like the guy. I like his laid back appearance. But something has not been cutting it. Maybe he just lacks the fire. Exhibit A is his experience as National Team coach during Euro 2008. Maybe he's not inspiring his players. I watch a lot of Friday Night Lights and it has taught me all I care to know about American football. And one thing it demonstrates is the power of inspiring coaching. If Coach Taylor was managing Napoli, those boys would be having emotional breakthroughs everyday on the pitch that can only improve their game. Even if Matt Saracen gets benched.
But I digress.
Donadoni is probably out. And maybe that's a good thing. The season is still early. Last year at this time, Napoli was on fire. At one point they were actually in first place. It's time to shake things up. And maybe that shaking involves a coach who can inspire. My dream pick: Robert Mancini.
He also looks good on the pitch in a suit. But I loved his work with Inter. I also remember watching him play with Sampdoria when I was a kid.
On a total side note, I am going to jump on the "BRING CASSANO TO THE NATIONAL TEAM" bandwagon. I'll be secretary. Seriously, the man is inventive in a way that so few players are. Sure, he's got a past of "Attitude problems." He wrote a book talking about how he basically didn't care about what people told him to do when he was younger. But, um, Sampdoria is at the top of the table. And it's because of him. They beat the unbeatable Inter. And it's because of him. And, well, the Italian national team needs some flair and attitude.
You won't get that from smiley Cannavaro or Buffon or any of the other national team mainstays.
But these frustrations, these anxiety inducing mornings, the mood setting experiences for the end of the weekend are what being a soccer fan is about. It's why I signed up. The agony of watching your team struggle and then (ideally, hopefully) win gloriously is why I keep watching. Again, it's not unique to me. It's not unique to this sport. But it's my experience.
And maybe next week I'll be writing about a completely revived Napoli.
Or not.
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