anger

lately, anger has been my primary emotion. i'm angry at work. i'm angry at home. i'm angry everywhere.

i'm trying to be positive. but, hell, it's hard.

when you're manipulating into taking care of other people all the time, it can wear you down. i've been doing it most of my life and i just want to be done. you might say "i'm mad as hell and not going to take it anymore."

you might.

i hit a high point with my anger last night. i finally read the report detailing salaries for people of comparable jobs. it was bad. the numbers made me scream. instead of yelling myself hoarse, i poured the southern comfort. i choked back tears. i felt angry at how devalued i was. why the hell was i wasting so much of my life in this job? a job that clearly didn't care about me.

i signed up for public service when i graduated law school. but public service does not have to mean being devalued.

i am the woman behind the scene in my job. the unwritten code of my job description is to make the people above me look good. and i'm good at it. i make it easy for the higher ups to do their job. perhaps too easy.

and that realization makes me angry.

and finally this anger results in something. i sent an email. took action. took command of my future.

here goes nuthin'.

I drank the Kool Aid yet again.

I just watched the State of the Union address. Obama's first. After ogling the beautiful outfit Michelle Obama had on. And laughing at the ceremony. The handshaking. The standing. The sitting. The clapping. The posturing. The weird camera shots.

But once it was over. I realized I was energized again.

I remember election night in 2008. I cried. My dad and I sat together in the living room glued to the television mesmerized. My dad kept saying "I can't believe it." My friend called me from the park in Chicago screaming. And I sobbed. It had been less than a month since my mom died and somehow Obama becoming President meant that everything was going to be okay. I have no idea how that worked out in my head. My mother was not a political person. Obama did not know my mom. But somehow these things were related.

But after a few months I started to get worried. Things weren't going so well for President Obama. They still aren't. In all fairness he inherited a whole mess of problems. Probably some of the worst I've ever seen. I can't fathom what he's going to do to make it any better.

Tonight, though, despite the naysayers. Despite the negativity. Despite all of the hesitation. Despite the election of a Republican to Ted Kennedy's seat. Despite all of that - I feel excited again.

It can happen. It can be better. And it will be better.

"We don't quit. I don't quit. Let's seize this moment -- to start anew, to carry the dream forward, and to strengthen our union once more."