Happy Anniversary

February 27, 1965

My parents would have been married 45 years today. I love this picture. My mom's smile is ridiculous and wonderful. And whenever I look at it, I smile. She is just so happy. And that smile just rubs off on you.

Except, she smiled so rarely. I don't remember her being a happy person. Her life was not always positive. A lot of sadness lived inside her and it hurts me to know I never really understood her. Or knew her.

I know the facts. But who was she? What did she love? What was she like? Who was her first love? Did she have one? What was she like as a kid? What did she want to do with her life? What were her dreams?

And these are just the tip of the question iceberg. There is one person I can talk to. And I am trying to get over my anger and talk to him. But, until then all the questions linger.

I miss her terribly. It's amazing how it hits me. All is well. And then BAM! it sets in.

It started this time a few nights back. I'd had a god awful day at work. It was raining. I came home and decided to go for a run. The first song which popped up on the iPod shuffle was The Replacements "Bastards of Young." The song was appropriate for so many reasons. But the line which struck me was

The ones who love us best are the ones we'll lay to rest

And visit their graves on holidays at best

I listen to that song often. I don't know why that line struck me suddenly. Maybe it's knowing that the anniversary was approaching. Maybe it was because so much in my life has been uncertain.

Whatever the reason, that feeling sits there. And I miss her. I wish I could just sit with her and say "what should I do now?" But I don't have that luxury right now. I can talk to her, sure. And I do. But she isn't able to give me any answers. Or maybe she is.

I've been playing with a way to finish this post and I got nothing. As much as it doesn't fit with my mom or my memories of her here's a clip of The Replacements singing Bastards of Young. It does fit my mood.