can you hear it calling

the universe that is. she is a loud beast lately. my god, i sometimes wonder that she does not shut up a bit this week. what with the signs and the pointing and the ridiculously obvious direction i keep being shoved in.

once upon a time i was a cynic. big old cynic. thought things like signs and meant to bes were for suckers. however, i've been undergoing a touch of a renaissance. a mental/emotional growth spurt if you will. it's been a slow transformation. and probably started when i went to the hip, tranquil chick retreat at kripalu. it was hokey. hokier than anything i've ever done or put myself through or contemplated. but i went. because i knew it would be a good idea.

and it was. now that transformation started off well and good. i came home relatively calm. i had a good sense of possibility. hope. promise. it collapsed of course a few months later when my mother passed away. but there was always this hope, promise, idea, thought.

i gradually awoke from the fog. and came to. and snapped to. and all that hope and promise roared back. together with a whole lot of frustration. i remembered that prior to all the numbness setting in i had ceased being in love with my job. right before my mom started her decline i was thinking of branching out.

and it ain't like i remembered gently. it's not like there was a gentle or soft nudging. no. the memories just slammed into me. threw me against a wall. held me there and yelled. screamed in my face. i could see the spittle.

i didn't appreciate those feelings at first. i resented them.

god damn you i thought. don't you realize my position. I AM STUCK HERE. i yelled back.

but that yelling was actually more like a whimper. and it gradually went away. and i started seeing possibility again. it started slowly. a quick offer of work. a realization of my own creative talents together with an appreciation for them. a couple new hobbies and habits.

and then the other big things. i'm not ready to write about them here. but i'm getting closer.

and those other big things are where i started to accept the power of the universe. she's going to look out for me. i may have felt forsaken. or forgotten. or screwed over. but she's there now. guiding and watching and throwing huge lightening bolts of direction at me.

and she's loud. it's nice. comforting and scary as hell all at once. she also keeps forcing me to repeat the mantra - "forget regret." telling me that regret isn't worth it. you can never re-write the past, but nothing is pre-ordained. as mimi tells roger, your life is yours to miss. and it's like i realized mine was flying by.

i do wonder if she has to be SO obvious with the signage. but then again i'm not always the best with the listening so she's just doing what she has to do.

change is coming. i feel positive. a bit lighter in my step. gosh darn it, there may even be a smile or two happening.

now if only i can make the next phase of my working life not require suits. that would be the fulfillment of life's goals.