and the slacker rears her head

I am a slacker right now. I was very not all there last week. And I'm trying to re-focus my energies. This time of year is chaos for me (as well as the rest of the universe.) I am determined to bring back my creative energies and get some projects done around the house.

I'm also determined to not be shopping everyday of December. I think I have a few gift ideas planned and I need to just carry them out. Magazine subscriptions for the youngsters, perhaps a couple day trips here and there, and the knitting. Oh good god, the knitting... I have decided to call it the month of knitting dangerously - you can follow along here.

I'm already behind.

This weekend though, I went with my dad to a 50th Wedding Anniversary. And if anything could make this cynical girl shed a tear - it was listening to the groom announce his neverending love for his bride. As he put it "we're still riding in that car." Beautiful. My dad had a tough time working up the strength to go to this shinding. He did NOTHING for a few days. But this is him looking dapper in poor lighting. The photo was taken with my iPhone. So forgive me!!!

Then on Sunday, I saw Rent. With Jess. She's quoting a lot again. As am I. I'm also waking up with such questions as did Benny actually love Mimi or was it all about power? And why am I such a Mark with a dash of Roger thrown in? But who would I want to be? Probably Angel.

But, then those heels really would not work well with my plantar fascitis issues...

merry christmas...

ugh... why is it already christmas?

oops -

I forgot to post pictures that past few days. I have taken some - but they aren't the greatest. I'm sort of at a loss for words right now so I will leave you with a shot of what is likely the last yellow rose of the year.




and my niece Anna jumping rope in the magic hour of outdoor light...



And lastly - a great book for everyone to read. It's Awesome.

birthday "mehs"

today is my birthday. i turn the ripe old age of 32. actually i really have no problem with the age. i personally think it's a great time to be in my thirties and that, well, my twenties were a ridiculous time with lots of personal issues and my thirties started out a little shaky - but seriously it can only get better. right?

but, today i went into new york city with my little cousin - who is well not so little, she's going to be 21 in just a couple weeks. we had no agenda except to maybe check out the TKTS booth for what was half price and grab me a gluten free cupcake at Babycakes NYC. we ended up saying no to a show since the weather was great for just walking and wandering and i DID have my camera with me. so that's what we did.

it was a good day. i got my gluten free cupcake (mocha - soooooo good) and i played with my camera and left the city very calm and relaxed. really - a good birthday.

but, it's just a weird day. it doesn't feel like my birthday. my dad is slightly ornery. my brothers are unable to commit to a day to have cake together. and i don't really want to make a big deal. but now i'm having dinner at one house on one night and another house on another. which is fine. i do want to make everyone happy - but at the same time... it's my damn birthday. make me happy! i know that at times i have ridiculous expectations. and i'm trying to breathe in, breathe out and let it all go. and have faith the universe will look out for me.

because, well, i'm done. i'm done with getting upset because it feels like everything is too difficult. i'm done with being sad that things don't work out the way envisioned.

so, my intention for this 33rd year of life is to have faith in the universe and accept that sometimes, things are what they are. and they work out the way they are meant to be. it's not easy for me to do. i do not live that way. i can sometimes be a cynical bastard that views her personal life negatively and assumes it won't work out. but that takes a lot of energy and i need my energy for important things - like taking pictures, seeking out live music, knitting, obsessively listening to west side story and rent, and reading all the damn books in my bookshelf. so, i don't have a drink in my hand, but if i did - i would raise it to this resolve. here goes nothing...


OH and some pictures...

affirm this

i took an online course on building dreams called mondo beyondo. i highly highly HIGHLY recommend it.

it doesn't do much. it doesn't lead to everlasting change. but it puts your fears out there. and for me, it taught me to trust in the universe a bit more. i tend to shrink away from the universe and view all things as negative. and i still do that. five weeks won't change that. but, i have been whispering affirmations to myself a bit more. things like "i can trust my open heart" and "forget regret" and "this dream will carry you".

i'm not entirely sure what my dreams are at all times, but i have found myself being more vocal and taking more chances in these few weeks. and hopefully these chances will lead to bigger things. even something as simple as posting a picture a day for a month or so. it's forcing me to use my creative energies in ways i didn't quite do before.

pretty pictures

I took this yesterday while I set myself up in a little home based photo clinic. I thought it was a good day to play with f-stops.

I also spent the evening at the CT Roller Girls last bout of the season. Now that. That is fun. So much fun. If I wasn't chicken shit and if I knew how to skate - perhaps I would consider trying out. But I want to go see another bout. I hate that the season is over.

And this morning I watched some soccer - I know shocking. But this time it was my 6 year old niece's soccer clinic. It was a bunch of little girls running around and it was fantastic. Truly wonderful. No elbows were thrown. And no one was injured. Makes me want to join a women's league.

black crows...

This was what greeted me as I left the house.

That picture would look substantially better if I had my new zoom lens which unfortunately did not arrive until this evening. Here is the inaugural picture.


These would be the mums sitting on my front porch. Up super close.

General Lee?

Or not.

goodbye october...

i like this picture. the colors. the way it smelled outside when i took it. and the bend. there's so much potential. a whole new world might be around the bend.

my night in tarrytown

i don't know if i'll make a habit of going back to tarrytown often. however, many of my favorite musicians appear to like playing at the music hall, so maybe i will. but for now, my night there will be memorialized by images of hanging witches and ghosts, the question of just how many tarrytowns there are, creepy scarecrows, the need for TWO chinese restaurants and brazilian restaurants, and todd snider.

todd was great to watch. as were the other fine gentleman (bruce robison and robert earl keen). it was my first exposure to either of them. i knew who robert earl keen was because of the song "BEER RUN" but i knew none of his music.

it was a wonderful night. solidified my todd snider fandom. i wish i had discovered the use of words as we walked by him having dinner at the greek restaurant. but i like to think i just opted to not bother him while he was having a delightful dinner with his family and friends.

i'm sticking with that story.

A new habit

a photo a day... if i can't write, i can click

 

I love Todd Snider

This is not a surprise to anyone. Least of all me. Most exciting right now is the fact that in less than two weeks I will be seeing the man live. This will be my first time. I am beyond excited. Super excited.

I wish it was already October 30. Thinking about this milestone, I decided to come up with what might be my top 10 favorite Todd Snider songs. I say might because this list could drastically change tomorrow.

So here goes - in no particular order ...

1. Doublewide Blues
2. The Ballad Of The Devil's Backbone
3. Money, Compliments, and Publicity
4. Broke
5. All That Matters
6. Feel Like I'm Falling In Love
7. Vinyl Records
8. The Devil You Know
9. America's Favorite Pasttime
10. Happy To Be Here.

Has it really been a year?

I call this picture Mermaid mom.

My mom died one year ago tomorrow. I honestly don't know how that happened. Where did the year go? What do I have to show for it?

I guess the question is what happens now? I've been waiting for this year to be over. And now it's here and I have no idea what to do.

I feel like I should mark it somehow. But all I do is think about where I was exactly one year ago. Last week I was at a meeting. The entire time I thought about how I was at the same place for a similar meeting. I even parked in almost the same place. Hell, it may have been the exact same parking spot.

On Sunday, I went to my brother's house to have dinner with his in-laws. A year ago, we did the same thing. That night was when everything started.

This whole week has been a mess of "last year at this time." My mom passed away on a Wednesday. That would have technically been today. This whole night people were over. I remember eating chicken and drinking wine. I remember calling the few people I wanted to talk to. I remember sitting on my porch talking to my friend Sara and feeling a little shaky but shocked at how calm I was. I remember sitting on the floor in a corner of the "green room" and talking to my friend Jess. I remember that I had on a red dress. I wore that to the hospital. I thought my mom would like it. She loved the color red. She didn't notice. I believe she had no idea I was there. I haven't worn it since. I remember ripping it off and putting on a t-shirt and jeans for the rest of the night.

I remember everything. The feelings and images are burned in my head. I remember that last hour. I remember the feeling in my body when we had to make a decision. I can still remember the feeling of the nurse's hand on my back when we sat in the room.

I remember it all. But I can't believe it happened. I'm still a little blown away. I still catch my breath at realizing she isn't here.

I am terrified of forgetting her. Or of just remembering the parts that were really bad. She had been sick most of my life. I don't want to just remember that.

Obviously, it's been hard. And I feel like tomorrow has to mean more than just one year. Does it all change? After tomorrow, nothing is new. The new reality is over. It's no longer a matter of "This is the first ______ since my mom died." I've already experienced it. Now what?

I miss that smile.

My mom and I at my niece's softball game last summer.

My mom and I. I think I'm not even one yet. I had massive ringlets at my first birthday.

My parents at Balboa Island.
I love this picture.

My mom and I went up to the Berkshires a few years back for some shopping and lunch. We stopped off in Stockbridge where this picture was taken. We had just had lunch at Alice's Restaurant.

the perils of being a soccer fan

I love the sport. I do. I grew up on it. I've already written about why I love it. There's something absolutely magical about going to a match and following a team. I don't think there's anything unique about my feelings. Talk to any fan. Any sport. Any thing, really. A die hard baseball fan will tell you about the joy they encounter while at a game. Regardless of park and teams playing. Talk to a musical theater fanatic and they will tell you about how amazing it is to see a show. Regardless of whether it's on Broadway or in their local high school gym.

That's how I feel about soccer.

But I'm also a fan. I also want my team to do well. I want the boys in light blue of Napoli to make me proud. And do they?

No.

At least not lately.

Today the boys lost to Roma. And is pisses me off. I know I need to not take it personally. These things happen. Teams lose. But this particular concoction of players are individually quite talented. And usually when individually talented players get together some good things can happen, regardless of egos and outsized personalities. (I'm looking at every Brazilian national team ever.) Not so with these guys. I just finished watching the match and it felt like my niece's travel league of 9 year olds were playing Roma. Honestly though, Roma looked like a slightly more organized high school team with a couple good shots on goal and then a tightened up defense.

In other words, this game was not a pretty one.

It also most likely marks the end of Roberto Donadoni as manager for Napoli. If managers were scored on looking amazing in suits - Donadoni would be tops. The guy cuts a fine figure in his exquisitely tailored suit on the side lines. No, really. He's a good looking guy.


But unfortunately, that's not enough. I like the guy. I like his laid back appearance. But something has not been cutting it. Maybe he just lacks the fire. Exhibit A is his experience as National Team coach during Euro 2008. Maybe he's not inspiring his players. I watch a lot of Friday Night Lights and it has taught me all I care to know about American football. And one thing it demonstrates is the power of inspiring coaching. If Coach Taylor was managing Napoli, those boys would be having emotional breakthroughs everyday on the pitch that can only improve their game. Even if Matt Saracen gets benched.

But I digress.

Donadoni is probably out. And maybe that's a good thing. The season is still early. Last year at this time, Napoli was on fire. At one point they were actually in first place. It's time to shake things up. And maybe that shaking involves a coach who can inspire. My dream pick: Robert Mancini.

He also looks good on the pitch in a suit. But I loved his work with Inter. I also remember watching him play with Sampdoria when I was a kid.

On a total side note, I am going to jump on the "BRING CASSANO TO THE NATIONAL TEAM" bandwagon. I'll be secretary. Seriously, the man is inventive in a way that so few players are. Sure, he's got a past of "Attitude problems." He wrote a book talking about how he basically didn't care about what people told him to do when he was younger. But, um, Sampdoria is at the top of the table. And it's because of him. They beat the unbeatable Inter. And it's because of him. And, well, the Italian national team needs some flair and attitude.



You won't get that from smiley Cannavaro or Buffon or any of the other national team mainstays.

But these frustrations, these anxiety inducing mornings, the mood setting experiences for the end of the weekend are what being a soccer fan is about. It's why I signed up. The agony of watching your team struggle and then (ideally, hopefully) win gloriously is why I keep watching. Again, it's not unique to me. It's not unique to this sport. But it's my experience.

And maybe next week I'll be writing about a completely revived Napoli.

Or not.

It's amazing what you can find

These two boxes had been in my parent's basement, (well, my basement) as long as I can remember. In fact, the address label on the box said 1968.

It appears my grandmother bought them. They were ordered through I tried a google search to see what I could come up with for Signet China. And apparently there is a lot. But I was under the impression it was a catalog as well. I will keep investigating.

But we have the address label.






And a warning to be careful.


And the boxes are actually sort of cool.

I remember seeing the boxes when I was a kid. They had always been in the basement taking up space. My dad would get annoyed because they were in the wine cellar portion of the basement. And took up space. I remember being told at some point the dishes were mine. That my mom had picked them out for me. Or maybe that was my interpretation. I mean, I was probably about 10.

Clearly since the dishes were bought way, way before I was born (nine years), they were not bought for me. My grandmother bought them and had them sent to my parent's house. For whatever reason, she did not give them to the intended person and my mom held on to them. Nine years later when a little girl was born (moi), it was decided they would become part of my hope chest.

And voila.

It's kind of nutty. The craziest bit is that they are green. Green is my favorite color.

It's almost as if there is some sort of psychic intervention at play...

Sparkle?

I have been long gone from this blog. I don't know why it happened. But it did. I could make excuses. But, it's better to just pick up and move on.

And here I am.

I've been crazy with work. Crazy with trying to manage my dad. And then I went on vacation.

I wanted my sparkle. That's what I most craved on my week away. And while the sparkle was not exactly found, the vacation was wonderful. Can't quite say what the best part of vacation was.

Was it finally making it to the Pemetic summit? Was it the kayaking trip on the bay? Was it Improv Acadia?

I don't know.

I think the parts I most liked were the parts where my mind shut down. The mornings where we sat in and watched Charmed. Or the nights (okay, just once) where we sat by the water with drink in hand talking and listening to water lapping at our feet.

That's what I needed. I needed to shut down and not think and not obsess and just let go. I was hoping for some feeling of sparkle and shine. I had this hope that I'd find my creative juices.

But just doing nothing and relaxing and letting go. That was enough.

And now I'm home. And work has resumed crazy. But I can at least remember the happy moments of just a few days ago. That's what needs to carry me through. I can't regret what I didn't do. But I need to relish in what I did do.

It did strengthen my resolve to ramp things up in my own life. Travel around more. Visit more people. Really figure out what it is I want to do in life.

But tonight, I'm taking it slow. I spent the day getting some work done in the house. And now I just need to settle in and do some reading and good sleeping.

Family ...

Family stresses me out. Maybe it's my overthinking tendencies, but my goodness! How can I not?

I spent the night with a bunch of cousins who I don't see that often. It was also the first time I saw any of them since my mom died. It's hard not to walk into this restaurant and wonder what they are thinking. It's also hard to wonder why I choose to go to these events. It's hard to sit there and clearly not be part of the conversation with these moms. They all have kids within months of each other. They were all married with a year or so of one another.

I went out to meet a relative visiting from South America. She was lovely. However, when it came time to talk to me. I froze up. I don't know why.

Actually I do. I always feel inferior around these relatives. Despite the fact that I am an attorney. Despite my life experiences. Despite my grades in school. Despite it all, I feel like I don't compare. Why the hell do I let them get to me in this way?

Is it because I'm not married? Is it because I don't have the same interests? Is it because I never actually hung out with them? I don't know. But once a year or so I get invited to these dinners and I go. I go because I want to be included. Or part of their clique. Or so I think before I go. And usually as I go through the doors I start to get a constriction in my throat and regret my decision. I have a fine time throughout the evening. And I did last night.

But I find myself amused by certain things. Like when I was asked if I was born 1982. Or when someone remembered how big a fan of Hugh Grant I was. Or when I kept being referred to as the smart one.

I mean, really? Do they just not have anything to talk about with me?

But I go. The evening is behind me. And now I can put it behind me. Follow everyone on facebook and wait until the next one in a year.

I remembered #10

I remembered my #10 from my last post. I had forgotten about it because since going gluten free, I simply had to remove it from my vocabulary. But here it is.

10. Malt vinegar. I miss malt vinegar. I miss going to a pub, ordering fries, dousing them in salt and malt vinegar and having a beer.

I remembered today since I was at Vaughn's eating the Glenkerry Potatoes and saw the malt vinegar on the table. It made me momentarily sad. But the Glenkerry Potatoes are absolutely amazing. I can eat those. They don't need malt vinegar on them.

10 THINGS I MISS MOST SINCE GOING GLUTEN FREE

It's been a year and 12 days since I received my official celiac disease diagnosis. While it's been difficult and I'm still trying to figure out what I can eat and not eat and what exactly is still bothering me (bye bye soy milk), I would never want to go back. Here is what I wrote then.

And most of it holds true. I think I have a fairly good attitude about it. Usually. Oh I whine. Oh I make a point of pointing out how difficult it is for me. But for the most part I try to be upbeat about it. So I have to order really differently at restaurants. And maybe it's not the easiest to visit someone (who is not already living a gluten free life). But if giving up gluten means I won't have horrible stomach pains anymore and I stand a better chance of not having the massive health issues my entirely family appears to be plagued with, then adios gluten.

BUT, there are 10 things I miss since starting this lifestyle.

1. Italian bakeries. Bye bye sfogliatelle, pasticiotti, and cannolis. I did however learn to make gluten free pizzelles this weekend. See for yourself.
2. Being able to run out to the local cafe and order a sandwich.
   
3. Not having to call every restaurant before heading out to see what they're gluten free options are.
   
4. A good loaf of fresh baked bread. I'm still trying to make this happen.
5. Having a beer at a sporting event. The sangria just isn't the same.
6. Pretzels. (But when in the city and in need of a quick snack, cashews are a good substitution.)
7. Going out for pizza.
8. Not having to worry about cross-contamination.
9. Cornmeal bagels from that place in Elmwood.
   
10. Um... Honestly. I can't actually come up with a tenth. And really #9 was sort of a stretch.
    

I do miss these things. But again, I will eventually adjust. Or figure out how to make an excellent gluten free option. Not just a "decent" gluten free option. Seriously, can anyone make gluten free phyllo dough?

water plus sun equal good saturday

IMG_0295, originally uploaded by laliaberry.

I spent saturday doing some things that needed to be done in the house followed by an afternoon/evening at the shore.

It was a day capped off with an hour or more ride on my brother's boat where we got to catch the sunset as we rode back to the marina. Stupidly, I didn't bring my camera around for the fun, but did have my iPhone. It amazes me how great the iPhone photo quality is. I mean, it's a phone - and that's the shot. Imagine what my Canon Rebel could have done.

See some other iPhone snaps here.