connotation

Clearly, I am not writing what I should be writing now. I am setting to work on a project. I wrote four pages. And now I sit here with this old blog.

But the music on my playlist just made me internally crack up. This is the song.


Why did I crack up?

Well, a few weeks back I saw Ingrid Michaelson at Toad's Place. I have probably not been that drunk in years. And probably won't be that drunk again for a few more years. I acted a tad like a "woo girl." I was a woo girl that night. Oh. My. God. I'm ashamed.

And yet I'm not. It's not like I was randomly yelling to catch a man's eye. (Because, really, let's be honest - what straight, single guy is at an Ingrid Michaelson show??) But I was drunk. And I was being loud. And I may have grabbed a drink that did not belong to me. I also apparently forgot I went to the bathroom at one point. I also was convinced I'd fall off the bench I was standing on. My phone has suffered a tad since. There are dents that were not there before.

But I'm not ashamed.

I was so happy to have that release that night. It had been a shitty couple days. There was a breakdown with someone close to me. I started to doubt my own instincts as well as my recent decisions in life. Things were at such a strange and frantic place (well, they still are. but I am hoping we are entering a slowing down.)

I needed that night.

As the next few weeks progress I might need a few nights like that. Just, likely, not to that degree.

But for now whenever I hear Ingrid Michaelson, I go back to that night. And fight the compulsion to yell "WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

do you want to make me cry?

Then show me the last ten minutes of Six Feet Under. I will sob. Usually it happens when Nate appears in the hospital to his mother as she is dying. But really, the entire ten minutes send me off into weepy land.

I have been in love with Six Feet Under since the show was first created. It was good television. Good writing. Phenomenal acting. Amazing storytelling. Creatively told and shown.

But it was more than that. What made this show matter so damn much to me was the relationship between Claire and her brothers. Each one resembled various aspects of the relationships between my brothers and me. Perhaps that one that was most strongly resonant is the one between Nate and Claire. Like my oldest brother, Nate was not with the family at the beginning of the series. He moves back upon the death of his father. He has been away. Living his own life. And being apart from the whole family.

My oldest brother moved away when he was 18. He went to college. He went to grad school. He found a job in California. He struggled with what to do when my mother became ill. But stayed in California. Eventually getting married and having a family. He found his way back here a few years back and I am incredibly thrilled to have him local. And to have my sister in law nearby and get to know my nieces.

But I think what happens when you have a sibling move away when you're only 8 is that person becomes incredibly mysterious. He had this whole life that none of us were a part of. He was exotic. He became almost mythic. He was the prodigal son. I remember when he was in grad school and he disappeared for a week. My mother went crazy looking for him. It turns out he ran off to Venezuela for a vacation and didn't tell anyone. When he came back, my mom was furious but my dad just laughed. He wanted to know what his old stomping grounds were like.

That's what people do around my brother. They just love him. And as the little sister, whenever he came back from college or on any visit - I could not wait to see him. It continued even through my adult years. If he was here for New Year's Eve, I didn't make plans because I wanted to hang out with him. If he was here in the summer and wanted to rent a house in Cape Cod I was totally going even if it meant I was going to be with my parents, brothers, sisters in law and babies all week.

And I always wanted his approval, acceptance, inclusion. When he started sending me mix tapes I felt hip. When I got a care package from this mythical place called Trader Joe's in college, I knew I would be awesome.

Nate and Claire have a very similar relationship. Or at least that's the part of their relationship I always identified with. In the series finale when she sees Nate's ghost cheering her on, I imagined my brother saying similar things. There was this very natural relationship there and it just rang so strongly. Like in this scene:



Of course, this is all the more creepy when I take into account the fact there is an undeniable similarity between Peter Krause and my brother. I've been struggling to find pictures that prove this, but alas every picture of my brother involves him making a face of sorts. It's not an exact match. There's more of a general quality. And the facial expression - holy bejesus, it's ridiculous.

So, yeah. Want me to cry? Show me this:






[This is not to say that my other brother and I are not close. The relationship Claire has with David is very similar. We've always been around each other. We sort of know how the other thinks. Also, he looks way more like Ben Affleck.]

saturdays

are meant to be lazy.

especially when you don't get to sleep until well past 4 in the morning and the sun decides to shine on your face three hours later.

especially when you are suddenly faced with a new career turn that you didn't expect four days ago.

especially when you really just want to bake cupcakes, come up with place mat designs, and take a nap in the afternoon.

especially when you would like to plan a vacation. somewhere. preferably with salt air and cliffs.

especially when you're just really, really sleepy.

Words

I sometimes make reference to things when tweeting/texting/blogging that may not make sense to a person not living in my head. I don't recommend you live in my head. It's not a healthy place. But, here is a quick rundown of what words mean.

PTB - I ripped this off from Angel. It literally stands for Powers That Be. I use it to refer to any of the higher ups at work.

Brooks Brothers - this is simply the artist formerly known as Team Paul. See also PTB

Awesomesauce - I want to make this word happen. Let's do it.

Boh - This is one of my favorite Italian phrases/expressions. I don't think it's an actual word. It's more an expression or a sound. It's best expressed with a shoulder shrug. What does it mean, you ask? "I don't know" or "Whatever" or "I don't care." And the exact meaning is best expressed by intonation. We say it a lot in my family. One of my favorite examples of how the word is used is this story.

A few years back I was in Rome with a good friend of mine.
Our first night there we tried to go to the Coloseum or the Forum and failed at both.
We were also followed by the gay pickpocketers of Rome who tried to break into our suitcases while we tried to find out hotel.
We were not loving the Rome.
So, walking we passed by an Irish pub. We decided beer would make everything better. (this was before the gluten free days.)
We walked in. Ordered pints. Drank. Ordered french fries. They were amazing and cooked in olive oil. They were amazing. I still remember how wonderful those fries were. And I'm not a big french fries person. But those fries - holy shit.
But I digress.
While we sat at the bar loving those fries and drinking beer, we were amused by the bartender.
He was confused by us because he knew everyone else in the bar but not us.
He bought us shots. Of what I'm not sure.
I finally started talking to him in Italian and he eventually loosened up.
Then I noticed there was Brazil flag on the ceiling. So I asked -
Why do you have a flag of Brazil on your ceiling?
He looked at it. Looked at me.
Shrugged his shoulders and said "Boh." And then turned towards his other friends.
From that moment on, my friend has had no problem understanding what I mean when I say "Boh."

GF or GFree - This is pretty simple - gluten free. It's sometimes to long to type out. So in answer to the questions - no I am not referring to "girlfriend" or "girl free" things. And my next comment is think about that a bit before you ask. Girlfriend cupcakes? Girlfriend bread? Girl free beer? Think a bit.

I thought I had more expressions. But I realized I just wanted to write this post and share my story about wierd Roman bartender and olive oil french fries.