connotation

Clearly, I am not writing what I should be writing now. I am setting to work on a project. I wrote four pages. And now I sit here with this old blog.

But the music on my playlist just made me internally crack up. This is the song.


Why did I crack up?

Well, a few weeks back I saw Ingrid Michaelson at Toad's Place. I have probably not been that drunk in years. And probably won't be that drunk again for a few more years. I acted a tad like a "woo girl." I was a woo girl that night. Oh. My. God. I'm ashamed.

And yet I'm not. It's not like I was randomly yelling to catch a man's eye. (Because, really, let's be honest - what straight, single guy is at an Ingrid Michaelson show??) But I was drunk. And I was being loud. And I may have grabbed a drink that did not belong to me. I also apparently forgot I went to the bathroom at one point. I also was convinced I'd fall off the bench I was standing on. My phone has suffered a tad since. There are dents that were not there before.

But I'm not ashamed.

I was so happy to have that release that night. It had been a shitty couple days. There was a breakdown with someone close to me. I started to doubt my own instincts as well as my recent decisions in life. Things were at such a strange and frantic place (well, they still are. but I am hoping we are entering a slowing down.)

I needed that night.

As the next few weeks progress I might need a few nights like that. Just, likely, not to that degree.

But for now whenever I hear Ingrid Michaelson, I go back to that night. And fight the compulsion to yell "WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

Sparkle?

I have been long gone from this blog. I don't know why it happened. But it did. I could make excuses. But, it's better to just pick up and move on.

And here I am.

I've been crazy with work. Crazy with trying to manage my dad. And then I went on vacation.

I wanted my sparkle. That's what I most craved on my week away. And while the sparkle was not exactly found, the vacation was wonderful. Can't quite say what the best part of vacation was.

Was it finally making it to the Pemetic summit? Was it the kayaking trip on the bay? Was it Improv Acadia?

I don't know.

I think the parts I most liked were the parts where my mind shut down. The mornings where we sat in and watched Charmed. Or the nights (okay, just once) where we sat by the water with drink in hand talking and listening to water lapping at our feet.

That's what I needed. I needed to shut down and not think and not obsess and just let go. I was hoping for some feeling of sparkle and shine. I had this hope that I'd find my creative juices.

But just doing nothing and relaxing and letting go. That was enough.

And now I'm home. And work has resumed crazy. But I can at least remember the happy moments of just a few days ago. That's what needs to carry me through. I can't regret what I didn't do. But I need to relish in what I did do.

It did strengthen my resolve to ramp things up in my own life. Travel around more. Visit more people. Really figure out what it is I want to do in life.

But tonight, I'm taking it slow. I spent the day getting some work done in the house. And now I just need to settle in and do some reading and good sleeping.

Unsettling

I woke up this morning early. I had a doctor appointment about 45 minutes away from my house at 7:30. I noticed that my computer was on so I decided to shut it down and as I went to do so, I noticed a new email. It was from a cousin in Italy. Someone I have never met. Someone I did not actually know existed until a few months ago.

Attached to the email was a picture of her and my mom and a third person. My mom is probably 16 or so in the picture. She's gorgeous. Her smile radiates out of her. I saw the picture and smiled. Said "Hi Mamma!"

I had to shut down and leave the house. The picture left my thoughts for a while as I drove to Storrs. Met with a new doctor and discussed why I was still having "tummy issues." It's been ten months since I was diagnosed with celiac and I thought I'd feel better now. But, I'm not consistently feeling great. One suggestion to emerge is giving up coffee. And while I hate that idea, I realize it's probably worthwhile to attempt. I notice how I feel when I drink coffee on occassion. It doesn't sit well. I decided to give it the old college try and give it up. Maybe just giving my system a rest from certain irritants will make a difference. It's logical. It makes sense. So goodbye to coffee. For a little while at least.

When I made it into work and booted up my computer, I remembered the email. I clicked on the picture again and smiled. But am so unsettled. I don't know who this woman staring at me is. I want to know who she is. I want to know this version of my mother. I got robbed of that experience and I'll never get over that.

I think it might be time to call my uncle. Or send a card. Or hand over an olive branch. I think I'm ready to start thinking about it. I just don't know if I'm ready to go to that place yet. Or how to even get to that place.

But as I figure it out, I'll just look at my pictures and smile. I miss that smile. We saw it so rarely in her last few years. It's nice to see it here.

Why did I not know about the Gaslight Anthem before last night. This is an awesome album.

It's the first post of this new year. 2009. I think it will be okay. Based on all the pamphlets I was handed regarding grief, I am supposed to not make any decisions for one year. So in October, I will be chock full of 'em. No sudden movements if you will.

Of course, sometimes you can't control the sudden movements. For example, the state legislature could just decide to make your job irrelevant because of one newspaper writer's crusade. And then you're suddenly sitting at home without a job that really when you think about it, you didn't hate. You liked what you did. It was the people that made it harder than it should be.

Or family keeps thinking you should date so they set you up with people. Can I open the first date with "Hi, according to this pamphlet the hospital gave me, I am not supposed to make any sudden decisions for a year. I have X number of months left."

Or you really need to get out for a bit. Is a spontaneous vacation a sudden movement? Of course, I am not the most spontaneous kiddo in the world. So there would be super planning for the supposed spontaneity.

Instead of planning for this year or doing any meditative journaling on the topic, I sat on my futon last night knitting a red hat and watching Buffy. It's that wierd season of Buffy where they bring her back from the dead and she begins this really unhealthy and violent affair with Spike and Dawn becomes a shoplifter and Willow was all super crazy witch in recovery and Anya and Zander are supposed to get married. But, it did have the AWESOME musical episode.

hmmm.. Maybe Joss Whedon should do musicals more often. Ahem, Mr. Whedon. Please? Pretty please? I would love it. It would make this girl so happy.

But I do have a couple new year resolves. Not resolutions. These are things I resolve to do more often. I want to travel more. And by travel I mean, just get out of my house more. Take a day off and go to a museum. Take a train ride to New York. Go to Boston. Also visit my friend Sara in Chicago. I will do that this year.

I also want to try to go back to yoga again. I haven't gone to a yoga class since the day after my mom died. I started yoga years ago looking for quiet. That quiet was scary recently. It scares me less now.

Use my knitting powers for good. Not evil. And finish the red hat.