and the slacker rears her head

I am a slacker right now. I was very not all there last week. And I'm trying to re-focus my energies. This time of year is chaos for me (as well as the rest of the universe.) I am determined to bring back my creative energies and get some projects done around the house.

I'm also determined to not be shopping everyday of December. I think I have a few gift ideas planned and I need to just carry them out. Magazine subscriptions for the youngsters, perhaps a couple day trips here and there, and the knitting. Oh good god, the knitting... I have decided to call it the month of knitting dangerously - you can follow along here.

I'm already behind.

This weekend though, I went with my dad to a 50th Wedding Anniversary. And if anything could make this cynical girl shed a tear - it was listening to the groom announce his neverending love for his bride. As he put it "we're still riding in that car." Beautiful. My dad had a tough time working up the strength to go to this shinding. He did NOTHING for a few days. But this is him looking dapper in poor lighting. The photo was taken with my iPhone. So forgive me!!!

Then on Sunday, I saw Rent. With Jess. She's quoting a lot again. As am I. I'm also waking up with such questions as did Benny actually love Mimi or was it all about power? And why am I such a Mark with a dash of Roger thrown in? But who would I want to be? Probably Angel.

But, then those heels really would not work well with my plantar fascitis issues...

i am awesome at the texting

I have been horrible at keeping this site updated. I had all these lofty ambitions when I transitioned to this site - but clearly they have not been fulfilled.

In my defense, I was insane at work. To the point where I would come home and just collapse on my couch to allow my brain time to melt. Then my home was invaded. And then I went away. And then I came back and my home was still invaded. And now I'm just tired and trying to smartly combat a sinus infection by not staying up too late. Clearly that is not working since it's 11:30 and I'm writing this here blog.

But I felt the need to explain my absence. To all of you. The one or two readers of this journal.

Highlights of my recent life include being part of a successful conversational exchange with Team Paul and realizing that I text way too much. I foolishly did not sign up for unlimited texting back when I got my iPhone. It was only five dollars more, but I resisted. And I paid for it. A lot. So now I have unlimited text messaging. And well, the minute details of my life will continue to be communicated via text. Examples of my texting prowess:

From last Weds night (watching US v. Trinidad and Tobago)
JP: Jozy is starting!!!!!!!
me: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
JP: Boca hot.
me: On my way home to ogle my future bf.
JP: My man back in goal
me: mmmmmm
me: So you know I won't be able to watch Lost tonight?
JP: Oh no :(
me: Yep. How soon is it up online?
me: Clint cut his hair.
JP. After west coast airing at least. I don't know if it waits for Alaska and Aawaii.
JP: I texted that update to you last week about clint :)
me: My niece says Tim Howard is very angry. Pretty Boca. Maybe I'll watch before going to bed.
me: Can we key Alexi's car?
JP: I'll see what we can do
me: Awesome. Boca hot!
JP: That US soccer commercial is catchy. Tell ur niece that Timmy is the hotness.
me: She says he's an angry dude.
JP: Sometimes angry dudes are hot. We should be us soccer groupies.
me: Ok.
JP: I just somehow switched to fsc which had North Korea-South Korea opening the second half. blew. my. mind.
me: Boca...
me: Explain to me my infatuation with Dempsey.
JP: the rap song.
me: Don't tread on me. Also for a moment I had Donovan awe.
JP: Landy is a good passer.
me: he needs to not be used as a striker.
JP: Right. his cross to Jozy was great. Problem is outside of Jozy no good strikers. Ching not good. I think Landy is in mid tonight.
me: They really want Ching to be the heir to McBride. But he's not there. Where's Adu?
JP: not sure.
me: Curious
JP: Looooooooove Jozy.
me: Yes. I hope he moves to a good team where he can get regular playing time. This is a good Lando game.
JP: I'd like to go to a World Cup qualifier.
me: It's a fun time.
me: Dempsey is not having a good game.
JP: JP Dellacamera's fav line is "Running like the game just started." It's one of my top quotes on Facebook he used so much during women's World Cup.
me: Torres is tiny!
JP: Donovan! Jozy!
me: Bradley!!!!!!!!!!
JP: Not sure he was onside :) but Bradley! Voldemort must be so proud.
me: Shhhhh. I'm also a big Sasha fan.
JP: I don't know who Sasha is....
me: He came on for Clint. Boca... Why are they not trading shirts????
JP: They are being cruel.

From Sunday Morning (while watching Tomb Raider)
me: In case I don't say it enough Daniel Craig=hot
Jess: Good to know. Hows the movie?
me: Meh.
Jess: That was my fear and thus why it remains low on my list.
me: I need to go to the mall at some point. But instead I've been untangling yarn.
Jess: Well, the yarn won't untangle itself.


From Monday morning (while working mind you)
me: Door is shut. I'm in a windowless box.
Jess: But sometimes that is necessary. Just don't light a candle.
me: No candles anywhere.
Jess: I feel like there should be a Rent reference here somewhere.
me: I know the feeling. Would you please NOT light my candle?
Jess: That was my last match??
me: What you do to my candle?
Jess: Thank God for the moon.
me: I think Spike Lee's filming down the street.
Jess: Cold hands.
me: Wanna dance
Jess: With me??
me: No with my father.
Jess: I'm Roger.
me: They call me mimi.
Jess: And then she steals the stash from his pocket.
me: And scene!


Why I ever thought I wouldn't need unlimited texting is beyond me?

forget regret

I'm a tad addicted to Rent. More than a tad. Way addicted. Anyone reading this blog probably knows that. (Hi Jess!) I first was drawn to it when I read La Boheme for the first time. I fell for the tragic love of Mimi and Rodolfo. It was perfect. I have never been a fan of the music in opera, but I love the stories. And when I first read La Boheme I was in my early 20s and the tragic love was just the kind of stuff I fell for.

When I realized Rent was a modernized take on La Boheme, I needed to see it. I loved the music. I loved the story. I would go in and out of obsessively listening to the soundtrack. And I finally saw it at the Nederlander last summer a few weeks before it closed. I was stuck sitting behind a man with the largest head ever. That wasn't fun. But, it was still awesome.

And since seeing it on that stage Rent has been on a constant rotation on my iPod. Lately, it's taken on a greater prominence for me. I couldn't quite grasp why until I sat and listened to the lyrics while at work today. And there's something about

forget regret or life is yours to miss

that strikes a chord right now. I spend a lot of my time dwelling on the whats and the whys of things that have happened. Wishing I had acted differently or done more or done less. And it takes up a lot of energy.

Since my mother passed away last October, a lot of emotions have bubbled up. Especially recently. These emotions run all over the place. I have spent a lot of time thinking about what I could have done differently. Said differently. If I could have done something more to prolong her life. And I have to keep telling myself there's no way to know these things. I just have to have faith that the right decisions were made and we all did the most we could for her. And when it was her time, she died with her dignity and surrounded by her family.

And when I say I have to remind myself of this. I mean that I have to actually say that out loud because the regrets and guilt and emotions are sometimes so loud in my head that I can't hear any other thoughts unless I shout them at myself.

Rent reminds me to stop dwelling on all the "coulda woulda shouldas."

I think that's why I love it so much. I'm clearly not all better. I have a lot of sadness to overcome. And I will. At least I know that at some point, my first emotion won't be sad. The idea that I need to just take each moment as it comes. Live in it and treasure it. Even if that moment is one that's sad, I need to acknowledge it and experience it. There's nothing worse than numbing those experiences. Or hiding from them.

Of course there are other reasons to love Rent. The music is pretty frakking awesome. It's great to sing along to in the car. I love Roger's pants. And Will Chase as Roger. "One Song Glory" is probably one of my favorite songs ever. Candles feature prominently. The set is fun to look at. You can "moo" while watching it. It makes reference to Cafe Bustelo. Maureen wears a vinyl catsuit. And it's all about an "honest living."

And I know all the words. And will sing along while watching it on dvd. And I am pretty sure that if I ever saw Will Chase in person I would be upset that he is not wearing plaid pants.