Happy Christmas!

Hi Mom,

Merry Christmas! I miss you. I think that's it. I've been really a mess the past week - at least inside my head. I started crying during Elf!

I thought it would be easier this year. I really did. I thought that once we got through the first Christmas, the next one would be easier. It's just as hard. I think it might be harder. Last year I worked so hard to make it perfect. I wanted to relish in your memory and make it the greatest Christmas. You loved Christmas. Didn't you? Christmas Eve was your holiday. I wanted to keep that spirit and that memory alive. And maybe I broke down while watching some sappy chick flick on HBO, but I still made it through. I had the energy.

This year, though. This year I just want to curl up in a ball and pretend none of this is happening. I have so much to do today. And I don't want to do it any of it. All I can think about is how much I miss you. How much I just want you to be here and give me a hug. To tell me I'm doing okay and everything will be fine.

Everything seems wrong lately. But I thought about it - while listening to the Glee soundtrack and suddenly getting sad because you'd adore that show - I think I'm so frustrated because of you. I think it's you making me realize how much better I am than the job I'm in. It's you that made me pull the sewing machine out. It's you giving me the creativity to play with gluten free recipes. It's you that made me finally speak up for how unhappy I am at work. It's you making me reach out to family I have not talked to in years. (I have to ask though - is it you that keeps helping me do silly things like that time I tripped walking into a meeting? Because, well it's a little uncomfortable, but also hilarious. So thanks?)

I don't yet know how to make everything not wrong. I wish I could snap my fingers and make everything better. I wish it didn't hurt so much whenever I remember that you are not here. I get so scared that I'll forget you.

Let's make a deal - you keep reminding me to figure out how to make things right and not wallow in how wrong everything is and I'll get up and clean and make sure this is a great Christmas.

Okay.

Thanks. I miss you mom. I miss you everyday. I love you. I hope you know that.

Merry Christmas!

Love, Me.

forget regret

I'm a tad addicted to Rent. More than a tad. Way addicted. Anyone reading this blog probably knows that. (Hi Jess!) I first was drawn to it when I read La Boheme for the first time. I fell for the tragic love of Mimi and Rodolfo. It was perfect. I have never been a fan of the music in opera, but I love the stories. And when I first read La Boheme I was in my early 20s and the tragic love was just the kind of stuff I fell for.

When I realized Rent was a modernized take on La Boheme, I needed to see it. I loved the music. I loved the story. I would go in and out of obsessively listening to the soundtrack. And I finally saw it at the Nederlander last summer a few weeks before it closed. I was stuck sitting behind a man with the largest head ever. That wasn't fun. But, it was still awesome.

And since seeing it on that stage Rent has been on a constant rotation on my iPod. Lately, it's taken on a greater prominence for me. I couldn't quite grasp why until I sat and listened to the lyrics while at work today. And there's something about

forget regret or life is yours to miss

that strikes a chord right now. I spend a lot of my time dwelling on the whats and the whys of things that have happened. Wishing I had acted differently or done more or done less. And it takes up a lot of energy.

Since my mother passed away last October, a lot of emotions have bubbled up. Especially recently. These emotions run all over the place. I have spent a lot of time thinking about what I could have done differently. Said differently. If I could have done something more to prolong her life. And I have to keep telling myself there's no way to know these things. I just have to have faith that the right decisions were made and we all did the most we could for her. And when it was her time, she died with her dignity and surrounded by her family.

And when I say I have to remind myself of this. I mean that I have to actually say that out loud because the regrets and guilt and emotions are sometimes so loud in my head that I can't hear any other thoughts unless I shout them at myself.

Rent reminds me to stop dwelling on all the "coulda woulda shouldas."

I think that's why I love it so much. I'm clearly not all better. I have a lot of sadness to overcome. And I will. At least I know that at some point, my first emotion won't be sad. The idea that I need to just take each moment as it comes. Live in it and treasure it. Even if that moment is one that's sad, I need to acknowledge it and experience it. There's nothing worse than numbing those experiences. Or hiding from them.

Of course there are other reasons to love Rent. The music is pretty frakking awesome. It's great to sing along to in the car. I love Roger's pants. And Will Chase as Roger. "One Song Glory" is probably one of my favorite songs ever. Candles feature prominently. The set is fun to look at. You can "moo" while watching it. It makes reference to Cafe Bustelo. Maureen wears a vinyl catsuit. And it's all about an "honest living."

And I know all the words. And will sing along while watching it on dvd. And I am pretty sure that if I ever saw Will Chase in person I would be upset that he is not wearing plaid pants.